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Ezra Jameela de Draak
Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 2:20 pm
by Ezra
ARE YOU HUNGRY? ARE YOU SICK? ARE YOU BEGGING FOR A BREAK?
Give a man with a death wish a bottle of whiskey and a loaded gun,
you get a dead body. Give a martyr a quote from scripture and a pocket full of prayers,
you get a room full of corpses.
"Remember when your Lord inspired to the angels,
'I am with you, so strengthen those who have believed.
I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve.
Therefore strike off their heads and strike from them every fingertip.'"
Surat Al-'Anfal, 8:12
"Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!"
The Takbīr is their rallying cry. It surrounds them, a chorus of voices uplifted with the Word of Allah, with His vengeance. It is for Him that they fight, for Him that they conquer. His holy land is nestled snugly in Israel, protected by their erected walls, keeping them out. They are God's true chosen people. The Jews abandoned their post and the Muslims picked it up, held it close, kept God's word pure. The Qur'an never once told a lie.
Ezra Nazari, age 14, is in the center of this frenzied pit. In front of him, kneeling, is an Israeli woman -- no, girl -- barely younger than himself. She is on trial for the sins and transgressions of the Israeli people against the fighters of Palestine. A circle is cleared in the center, ten feet in diameter, and the bodies press in on all sides, chanting, chanting. His voice joins them in their call, Allahu Akbar.
God is Greater.
To them, his name is not Ezra. He is Uzair, his Jewish background wiped clean. It is burned away, like sin in holy fire, left scars on his flesh that he covers, years later, with tattoos. They know of his history, know that he was born in Beit She'an, that he is Israeli-born. Uzair has given up his family and his claim for what he believes to be holy. He is born again.
They tell him he has to prove his worth and he is ready. The girl is kneeling in front of him, in a prayer-stance. Her head is bowed and she is mumbling, rapidly, in Hebrew. He understands every word. "Father, forgive me for my sins and allow me into Your Kingdom," she prays, eyes squeezed shut. Uzair stands above her, sword in his hand. It is the perfect balance, centered, sharpened to a deadly point. It is ancient, a scimitar that has survived in these lands for centuries.
She looks up at him, tears in her eyes. Her last word rings in his ears. She says, "Help me," and he swings the blade down. It sings in the air, whistles; no thud follows. He tries again, tries to sever the throat muscles still working, to end the arterial spray when it covers him, spurts forward, a red bloom, a desert flower.
Thud.
The girl's head rolls away to the sounds of cheers, to the raucous joy of the Palestine Liberation Front. "Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!" Uzair does not join in. Her last word is a noose around his neck; it strangles.
The Hebrew word spoken, her last utterance, the word that cries out for help from God, had been his namesake: Ezrayni.
Re: Ezra Jameela de Draak
Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 2:27 pm
by Ezra
ARE YOU SWEET? ARE YOU FRESH? ARE YOU STRUNG UP BY THE WRISTS?
We're the middle children of the history, man. No purpose or place.
We have no great war, no Great Depression;
our great war is a spiritual war, our Great Depression is our lives.
"Whosoever chooses to follow guidance, follows it for his own good;
whosoever goes astray, goes astray to his own loss.
And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another.
And never would We punish until We sent a messenger."
Surat Al-'Isra, 17:15
CURRENT NAME: Ezra Jameela de Draak
NICKNAMES: Ez, Basherte, Teufel, Bunny/Hase
SEX: Male
GENDER: Transgender woman
PRONOUNS: She/her
BIRTH DATE: October 10, 1988
BIRTH PLACE: Beit She'an, Israel
CURRENT AGE: 31
PARENTS: Haya Nazari (née Kafni; deceased); Farzad Nazari (deceased)
SIBLINGS: Jazee Nazari; Yael Nazari; Talia Nazari
HERITAGE: Israeli/Afghani
SPECIES: Vampire/Lycan hybrid
AGE OF TURNING: 25
PROGENY: Orion, Anders, xGABRiELx, Raziah
PETS: Eastwood (German Shepherd); One, Two, Three, Four, Simba (Chocolate Labradors); Cinnabun (Lop-eared rabbit); Kari (Ice wyvern)
KINSEY SCALE: 1
ROMANTIC INCLINATION: Heteromantic polyamory
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Married to Anders de Draak
BOUND STATUS: Partner-bound to Anders
LANGUAGES: Arabic, Hebrew, English, American Sign Language, (some) German, (some) French, (some) Persian
HOUSE: Wyvernhall, Ivy 38 (Shadowed)
OCCUPATION: None
HAIR TYPE: Black, shoulder length, straight and thick
EYE COLOR: Dark brown
HEIGHT: 6'0"
WEIGHT: 130 lbs (17.6 BMI -- underweight)
TATTOOS: Numerous - no exact count
PIERCINGS: Each earlobe, both nipples, belly button, vertical clitoral hood, septum
SCARS: Numerous - no exact count.
— Notable: entire spine, etched Arabic
— ragged scars along back of skull, covered by hair (from gunshot)
— intentional scarification on ribcage (triple goddess symbol, from Felix)
— burn scar on back of neck (Archangel Michael's sigil, 2iC, from Anders)
LIMBS: Missing the top knuckle of her left pinky finger (Replaced with a glamour)
HABITS: Rubbing her nose, scratching her inner elbow, scrubbing a hand through hair
ADDICTIONS: Cigarettes, alcohol, cocaine, heroin
ACCENT: English: South/South-West; Hebrew: Israeli; Arabic: Syrian
MBTI: ENFP
PLAY-BY: Camila Cabello // donzellax (Instagram)
DISCORD: trashonion#6764
WRITER: Micah
_______________________________________
THE PRESENT
You are the vampire Ezra.
Your highest rank is Supreme Vampire.
Powers: Fully Powered.
SIRE: Vex
LINEAGE: de Draak
RANK: Named, elder, council
FAMILY: (Only those considered family to Ezra)
†Tifereth
— Vex
——Ezra —♥— Anders
——— xGABRiELx
—— Anders —♥— Ezra
——— Neuk
——— Caillie
——— Loch
——— Sahrimir
——— Kee
——— Laurel
——— Joey_Hannon
—— Aida
——— KingDrako
—— Gypsy
—— Seb
—— Deylin
—— Azeara
—— Stryker
—— IceAngel
—— Church
—— Roadrunner
—— Joy
—— Ravenloft
ALLEGIANCE: de Draak
FAMILY MOTTO: Familia supra omnia -- Family above all
NON-BLOOD FAMILY: Inu, KIIA, Xedanis, Trinket, †Nightingale, Liz Summers
_______________________________________
THE PAST
SIRES: xxsacrificexx, Vex, Drella
PARTNERS: Vex
SIBLINGS: Frances, Sunday-Go, Cin, Dae Hyun, Persimmon, Reyna, Lyn, Willa, Rhet, Anders, Orion, Seb, Liander, Dahlia-, Liz Summers, Ildiko, Eyezac, KIIA, Sitrence
CHILDER: Raziah, MadHeart
ALLEGIANCES: Agrippa, D'dary
_______________________________________
THE WARRIOR
WARS:
MAR 11 2016 - APR 30 2016 : D'dary vs. the Alliance
Zeroed: Yes
Outcome: Loss
Notable: Gained title of 'Guard Dog of the D'dary'
APR 10 2018 - MAY 10 2018 : House of Silence/Agrippa/de Vangeline/etc vs. de Draak
Zeroed: Yes (by de Draak)
Outcome: Ceasefire
Notable: Mercenary contract taken out on Ezra to zero. Agrippa/de Vangeline join May 4
DUELS : 81.3% WIN RATE (13/16)
WIN____________________________________________LOSS
DEC 21 2017 : Ezra vs Kee : 4-3______________________DEC 29 2017 : Ezra vs KIIA : 1-3
DEC 27 2017 : Ezra vs Aida : 3-2_____________________JAN 14 2018 : Ezra vs Kee : 2-3
DEC 27 2017 : Ezra vs KIIA : 3-1_____________________JUL 22 2018 : Ezra vs AdaMaS : 6-10
DEC 27 2017 : Ezra vs Kee : 3-1
DEC 28 2017 : Ezra vs Corda Tacita : 3-1
DEC 29 2017 : Ezra vs Aida : 3-2
DEC 31 2017 : Ezra vs KIIA : 4-3
JAN 03 2018 : Ezra vs Kee : 3-1
JAN 04 2018 : Ezra vs Liander : 5-4
JAN 05 2018 : Ezra vs Inu : 3-0
JAN 09 2018 : Ezra vs Eli Hartley : 3-0
JAN 23 2018 : Ezra vs Xedanis : 3-0
JAN 31 2018 : Ezra vs Aida : 3-0
_______________________________________
THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS
2016: 
2017: 
2018: 
_______________________________________
THE TIMELINE
SEPT 2013 -- Moved to Ravenblack
OCT 11 2013 -- Turned into a vampire (sire unknown)
APR 27 2015 -- xxsacrificexx sires Ezra
JUN 05 2015 -- Commits suicide
JUN 08 2015 -- Is raised from the dead by an unknown demon
JUN 08 2015 -- Turns Orion into a vampire
JUN 26 2015 -- Starts a relationship with Vex
JUL 22 2015 -- xxsacrificexx severs Ezra per her request
JUL 23 2015 -- Becomes fully-powered
JUL 26 2015 -- Vex sires Ezra
AUG 23 2015 -- Marries Vex in Paris, France
OCT 11 2015 -- Receives German Shepherd puppy from Anders [Eastwood]
DEC 07 2015 -- Partner-binds to Vex
DEC 13 2015 -- Turns Anders into a vampire
DEC 16 2015 -- Throws first Holy Water (TysonAlexander)
JAN 17 2016 -- Assists in zeroing of Ikunnaprinsess
JAN 25 2016 -- Assists in zeroing of King Lestat
FEB 03 2016 -- Jury duty with The Supreme Court for Ryukotsusei
FEB 05 2016 -- First HW damage from blackthorn2012
FEB 10 2016 -- Assists in zeroing of Ryukotsusei
FEB 10 2016 -- Is bitten by Anders and infected with lycanthropy
FEB 15 2016 -- First lycanthropic shift
MAR 11 2016 -- Zeroed by the LA FRoG Alliance
MAR 18 2016 -- Vex severs Ezra as childe
MAR 25 2016 -- Drella sires Ezra
APR 27 2016 -- Killshot on Vi on behalf of D'dary
APR 30 2016 -- Zeroed in mass D'dary suicide, bringing an end to LA FRoG vs D'dary war
AUG 23 2016 -- Ezra marries Anders
DEC 24 2016 -- Sires Raziah
JAN 02 2017 -- Sires xGABRiELx
JAN 26 2017 -- Assists in zeroing of blackdragon. Raziah gets the stake
JAN 30 2017 -- Turns xGABRiELx into a vampire
MAR 08 2017 -- Given the D'dary surname
APR 26 2017 -- Gains access to Anders' sex-changing potion
JUL 09 2017 -- Turns Raziah into a vampire
JUL 25 2017 -- Sires MadHeart
OCT 02 2017 -- Raziah severs Ezra
DEC 18 2017 -- Turns Tove
DEC 21 2017 -- Divorce from Orion finalized
DEC 21 2017 -- Wins first duel, 4-3 against Kee
DEC 31 2017 -- Leaves Vex romantically, remains partner-bound
JAN 14 2018 -- Hired as Staff Reporter at Ab Antiquo
JAN 20 2018 -- Wins "Best Childe" and "Mrs. Social" at the 2017 RBC Award Show
JAN 25 2018 -- Severs Tove
FEB 02 2018 -- Wins the Crucible: Season One
FEB 19 2018 -- Assists in zeroing of Amaya_Shannis, gets killshot
APR 03 2018 -- Severs Vex as partner-bound
APR 10 2018 -- Binds to Anders as partners
APR 10 2018 -- Retaliation against din Kolesi begins
APR 12 2018 -- Drella severs Ezra, stripped of D'dary name
MAY 12 2018 -- Zeroed by de Draak to finish din Kolesi vs. de Draak conflict. Stake by Anders
JUN 17 2018 -- Hits ladypeacek and stakes Koli Wolfe for attacking Dea di Luna
JUN 23 2018 -- Hired as Event Staff by KRKN/Port Luna Live
MAR 31 2019 -- Severs MadHeart as childe
MAR 31 2019 -- Sires under Vex
MAR 31 2019 -- Steps down as formal 2iC of de Draak; moves to Hawaii for undetermined time[/font]
Re: Ezra Jameela de Draak
Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 2:35 pm
by Ezra
WE WANT THE YOUNG BLOOD. WE WANT THE YOUNG BLOOD
I talk to God but the sky is empty.
"The Jews say, "Ezra is the son of Allah"; and the Christians say, "The Messiah is the son of Allah."
That is their statement from their mouths; they imitate the saying of those who disbelieved [before them].
May Allah destroy them; how are they deluded?"
Surat At-Tawbah, 9:30
"Come on, Hafiz, prove to us your worth. Recite al-Bara'ah. Or we kill you." They laugh at their own joke. Recite the Ultimatum, they say, then they give him one. Their laughter echoes in the dark, stone room, deep underneath packed earth and sand. Ezra isn't laughing, because they have him hanging from the ceiling by a rope tied around his wrists, his toes barely skimming the ground, just enough to keep him always struggling, just off balance. He's on hour five of being captured and berated and beaten with sticks and whips, but it feels like hour ten. There is a drip somewhere from this block's well, and every time it falls, Ezra twitches.
They want him to recite At-Tawbah, also known as al-Bara'ah, and it is the surah of Repentance. The surah that warns sinners of their place in the grand scheme of Allah's plan, and tells Believers how to deal with those that live their life as infidels. Ezra has given up his name, his country, and his family to adopt the Qur'an. Uzair, the zealous young upstart in the Palestine Liberation Front, the one who memorized all of the Qur'an at age fifteen and has no qualms of destroying an entire Israeli town in the name of Palestine and Allah. He was their golden child, until he tried to cut the Palestinian bonds from his skin and flee to Jordan. He'd gotten as far as Amman before they found him and dragged him back to Syria. Damascus rumbles above him and Ezra bruises down below.
He has to spit out blood and a back tooth before he can speak. He starts, "Baraatun mina Allahiwarasoolihi --" before he feels the first cut. It's small, but deep, high on his right shoulderblade. Familiar strokes. They say, "Keep singing, ta'ir," against his ear and he understands, then, how they found him. Huma, his fiancee, his little bird, has sung her traitorous betrothed to his death. His stomach sinks like a stone and bile coats his tongue.
When he continues, they match his words with the letters on his back. Blood smears across his spine, drips onto the floor, his toes slipping in it, trying to stay standing. Through the holy words, Ezra grits his teeth and he recites. This way, he can live. On his back marks 129 verses, the entire surah carved into his spine. It takes two hours because on verse 74 he loses consciousness, and they have to beat him awake. When they are finished, they cut his ropes and urinate on his penitence. "Kha'yen," they call him, as they leave. Traitor. They could kill him, but they don't. When they tell him his fate, he wishes they would.
The next day, Tadmor opens up its doors like a gaping wound and swallows him whole.
_______________________________________
Some of the guards pity him. He can see it in their eyes, on that first day, when he tries to keep his head high but half of his face is black and blue and every inch of him is scoured with red wounds. They don't pity him for what has happened to him; they pity him for what will come. Ezra is not small, but there are bigger sharks in Tadmor. The guards pity him, because they know that his life sentence will be cut short. Some guards pity him, look at him with apologetic eyes, and then others smile. These are the ones that have their pockets lined with PLF līra or Israeli shekalim, who have no god but Greed. These are the ones that tell the sharks where he sleeps, and what he has done. These are the ones that stand outside of his cell as he is pushed face-down, as they whisper into his ear, "Don't you dare fucking scream."
He never screams, not once.
Not even when they break his arm. Not even when he is sent to the infirmary and they tell him they have broken him, inside, and that he has an infection that could kill him. Not even when they try to pet his hair, or kiss him. Sometimes, Ezra cries, but mostly he just hates them with all of his heart, all of his soul. He prays, every night, that they will die. They never say their names but he comes to remember certain ones by their smell, or if they call him habibi or jameel, kwanii or sharmoot. It's good that they don't have names. Everyone is given a number, and real people don't have numbers. It's easier to hate a whole than to hate one person, and to give them a name makes this more real. Makes it less like a bad dream that he can, sometimes, close his eyes and forget, and more like what it is. He's #73562, and a number can't be hurt.
He thinks: Any existence is better than this.
He prays: Allah, give me death. Give me something with which I can end my own life. Give me Hell, give me to Shaitan, but please, take me away from this.
God isn't listening on that night or any that follow.
_______________________________________
In five years, his scars harden over and fade. In five years, he covers his body with ink, begins to turn his flesh from trophy of his pain to story of his life, each new image either useless or immensely personal, detailed or simple. It stops mattering what he puts on his flesh, as long as it covers up those scars. Hundreds of them, making his body as ridged as a mountain range, as tough as elephant skin. He's stopped crying now, on the nights when he's taken. It happens less, because he carries around a shiv and he stabbed #87253 in both of his eyes with the sharpened end of a plastic knife. He'd welcomed the two weeks in solitary.
In five years, all he has is time. He thinks, and plans, and dreams about the world outside of Tadmor's baked stone walls, away from the desert that stretches endlessly in every direction. He talks to guards, trades cigarettes and pornographic magazines, reads, and becomes strong. He has to be strong. He has to survive. The life he lives is a nightmare, but he is alive. On the back of his skull, he tattoos 73562. Inky black hair covers it, his secret. It takes two years for his pieces to fall into place, his clockwork plan to escape. It is simple, but requires trust not given lightly, and Allah's grace to survive the sand.
When he escapes into the Syrian desert, he is Lot fleeing from Sodom and Gomorrah.
He does not look back.
Re: Ezra Jameela de Draak
Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 2:45 pm
by Ezra
ARE YOU FRACTURING? ARE YOU TORN AT THE SEAMS?
My arms are too short to box with God.
"All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds -
the Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful,
Sovereign of the Day of Recompense.
It is You we worship and You we ask for help."
Surat Al-Fatihah, 1:2-5
ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of a cosmic whole. They want to both help and to be liked and admired by other people, on both an individual and a humanitarian level. This is rarely a problem for the ENFP, as they are outgoing and warm, and genuinely like people. Some ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality.
ENFPs often have strong, if sometimes surprising, values and viewpoints. They tend to try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade others gently (though enthusiastically) of the rightness of these views; this sometimes results in the ENFP neglecting their nearest and dearest while caught up their efforts to change the world.
ENFPs can be the warmest, kindest, and most sympathetic of mates; affectionate, demonstrative, and spontaneous. Many in relationships with an ENFP literally say, "They light up my life." But there is usually a trade-off: the partner must be willing to deal with the practical and financial aspects of the relationship, and the ENFP must be allowed the freedom to follow their latest path, whatever that entails.
For some ENFPs, relationships can be seriously tested by their short attention spans and emotional needs. They are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting their older and more familiar emotional ties for long stretches at a time. And the less mature ENFP may need to feel they’re the constant center of attention, to confirm their image of themselves as a wonderful and fascinating person.
In the workplace, ENFPs are pleasant and friendly, and interact in a positive and creative manner with both their co-workers and the public. ENFPs are also a major asset in brainstorming sessions; follow-through on projects can be a problem, however. ENFPs do get distracted, especially if another interesting issue comes along. They also tend towards procrastination, and dislike performing small, uninteresting tasks.
_______________________________________
THE TAROT
STRENGTH X
— The Strength Tarot card represents strength, determination, and power in a manner similar to the Chariot. However, the differences between the two Tarot cards are obvious. Where the Chariot represents outer strength and will, the Strength card represents inner strength and the power of the human spirit to overcome any obstacle. The meaning of the Strength Tarot card is about knowing that you can endure life’s obstacles by drawing upon your inner strength and confidence.
The qualities of Strength Tarot card are already in you, waiting to appear once you have mastered all your raw, foundational emotions and when you are ready to move on to the spiritual tasks that lie ahead. Its main lesson is that emotions must be transcended if spiritual wisdom and intuition are to be awakened. Your inner voice is often drowned out by the constant noise of emotion and preoccupation with fear. Only once you have eliminated these raw emotions can you begin to create the silence you need. So conquer your fears, control your impulses, and never lose patience with yourself or what you are doing. Eventually you will see the wisdom of letting go of your lower self. The Strength archetype teaches you that you have the strength to tame the beasts within yourself.
With the Strength Tarot card, it is clear that strength and courage will be applied to all your endeavours. Results may be slow in coming but you will hold your own, get a lot accomplished and summon up enough energy to do what it takes to get the job done. One way or another, you will be recognised or rewarded for your efforts.
** Ezra has her own tarot deck, gifted to her from Felix. It is the Mary-El deck.
_______________________________________
ASTROLOGY
LIBRA SUN/LIBRA MOON/LIBRA RISING
— Your insightful inspection crushes the most impregnable defense mechanism. You hate serenity because you are excitable and drawn to pleasure, no matter how blameless and saintly you may appear. You really love stirring things up. You will commence the most outrageous and contentious argument just to liven things up. You especially enjoy this when the chat slows down to an ordinary pace.
You are endlessly fascinated with people; how they behave, what their clothes are, and why they do certain things. You do not have much time left to look within yourself. You can become overly interested in the lives and life- styles of others. You will not give in until you have learned someone’s innermost secrets and not many get away from your observations once they have gotten your attention. Often you get you into trouble with that desire for rumor and conspiracy, but if someone points a finger at you accusing you of interfering, you turn on that angelic charm. Venus luck comes immediately to your aid.
Some of your actions are tricky enough to bring about violent action, but your charm prevents it. You somehow always manage to stay people’s sweetheart in spite the difficulty you find yourself in or the individuals you disaffect. You have variable mood levels and you need a lot of distractions. For long periods, you may be all energy and enthusiasm and then suddenly drop into a dark hole of weariness and indecisiveness that can take can take weeks to get rid of. Be a little more moderate. You have strong parasitic inclinations, and it is important for Libra-Libras to get a lot of professional preparation as young as possible, so they can learn to practice their talents fruitfully. In the areas of human relations (particularly labor relations), writing, law and social work, your perceptivity into human actions can be priceless. Furthermore, you have a sophisticated aesthetic capacity and can shine in art, jewelry design, music and fashion.
Your love life is vital to your general health and you are quite romantic. It is important that you attempt as much as possible to maintain your emotional scales in balance. You can do this and have fun too. Think things through and scrutinize your own inner workings and try allowing yourself some silent, relaxing moments. You have been blessed with a very good mind, astonishing diplomatic abilities, and a strong imagination. How you employ these things is another matter. Like all Librans, you favor comfort and ease to effort and accountability.
_______________________________________
POSSESSIONS OF NOTE
Qur'an (well-thumbed, worn, size of a paper-back novel; re-bound by Persimmon; previously Huma's)
Star of David military-issued necklace (previously her father's)
one jacket (leather, faded, text painted on back: 'NO SAINTS WITHOUT SINNERS'; various patches)
Colt (1991 series, stolen)
Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov (travel-sized, hand-written Arabic, with pictures; gift from Oberon)
red Honda Rebel
wedding ring (black tungsten with gold and platinum intertwined; inscribed ani ledodi, vedodi li)
one leather journal
gold chip (12 months sober; Narcotics Anonymous)
Eastwood (German Shepherd, born summer 2015)
tree of life hanukkiah (gift from Vex)
bracelet (leather and nickel; gift from Anders)
bone feather (carved from a human sternum; gift from Phineas)
tarot deck (Mary-El; gift from Felix)
wood pendant (gift from Anders; with pictures of Vex and Anders inside)
gloves (knitted, fingerless, wyvern design; gift from Lyn)
stuffed animals
charm bracelet (with various charms to symbolize de Draak members)
dragon ring (on a chain; previously Maddox's)
_______________________________________
INKED
Ezra is covered in a myriad of tattoos, big and small, significant and not. What follows is a brief description of those that hold special meaning to Ezra.
"Te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras, secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma." Left calf. Black ink.
For Oberon de Draak.
A delicate outline of the Philippines and as many of the 7,107 islands as she could fit. Right calf. Half colored.
For Magwayan Byatt.
Constellation of Orion's belt. Left hip. Black ink.
For Orion O’Mally.
Shovel. Left hip. Full color. Small. / Lion's face. Right shin. Watercolor ink.
For Vex de Draak.
"In the crooks of your soul, I find my religion." Lower left pectoral. Anders' handwriting. Black ink, reacts and warms to Anders' touch.
For Anders de Draak.
Iranian mythological bird, the Huma. Entire back. Full color. Partially destroyed by Phineas.
For Huma Hashimi.
Hot dog with a French mustache. Behind left ear. Colored.
For Frances Rylend.
Outline of a rat, tail forming the word "Chaim." Left inner elbow. Black ink.
For Rhet Anderson.
Maple leaf. Right hip. Colored. / Snowflake. Center chest. Colored.
For Persimmon Chedsey.
Allahu Akbar. Left and right wrists. Black ink. Arabic script.
For Palestine.
73562. Back of skull. Black ink.
For Tadmor.
Familia Supra Omnia. Back of neck. Black script.
For de Draak.
HOPE. Entire chest. Script. Black ink. Partially destroyed by Phineas.
For her mother.
LIVE LIFE. One letter per knuckle. Black ink.
For herself.
_______________________________________
FAITH
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
Re: Ezra Jameela de Draak
Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 2:47 pm
by Ezra
WOULD YOU DO ANYTHING? FLEA-BITTEN, MOTH-EATEN
The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of
passion and romance play,and as we watch, the world says, “This is love.”
God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked
and bloodied man hangs and says, “This is love.”
"So patiently persevere: for verily the promise of Allah is true:
nor let those shake thy firmness, who have (themselves) no certainty of faith."
Surat Ar-Rum, 30:60
His first kiss is Miriam, in sixth grade, underneath the bleachers in the school gym. They kiss with their mouths and eyes closed, and in the distance, he can hear people in the locker room. It's class change and it is Ezra's last year in school. In four months, he will drop out and join the Palestine Liberation Front. For now, he is just a boy with a crush and an erection, kissing closed-lipped Miriam, who puts stickers on her notebooks, who giggles and runs away when they stop.
His first cigarette is in Atlanta, Georgia, after a 3 A.M. flight from Ankara. He's tired and jet-lagged, and each of his fingertips are bandaged up in white. A stranger, a man in a business suit, is smoking outside, waiting on a taxi cab. He offers Ezra a cigarette. Ezra says "Thanks," in English, in an accent like Clint Eastwood talks in his movies. When he inhales, he coughs but keeps smoking, anyway. The businessman smiles, and a cab comes up and takes him away. Ezra walks and buys a pack of Parliament cigarettes in the Shell gas station station down the street.
His first fuck isn't willing.
His first time getting high is heroin and it's good. It's like dipping your head in a cool pool of water after walking through the desert. Like slipping down into God's open palms and letting grace wash over you. It's like your blood is made of honey and you're a bee, sipping. It's in New York City and he shares a needle with a girl who calls herself Marley. He fucks her, after, and it's his first time being inside of a woman. He never sees her again, but Ezra remembers her name and he remembers her face when she sinks that needle in, like that plunger feeds her salvation and not damnation. He chases that feeling for the next five years.
His first love is Huma, his little bird. His fiancée. His storm-chaser, his riot girl, his betrayer. She calls him habūb just likes his mother did. He's a sandstorm blasting through and she breathes in his destruction. It is Huma who he writes to when he is away, in Syria or Israel. It is Huma whose name Ezra whispers at the end of his prayers. Like her namesake, she flies constantly in his thoughts, never once alighting on the ground. And when she becomes his traitor, it is the wings of the legendary Iranian Huma, majestic and fantastical, that cover the words of At-Tawbah on his back.
His last talk with his mother is over cereal. She asks about the math test he has later in the week; Ezra says he's not worried. He's not great at math but he's been studying hard for this test. His mother smiles, and it reaches her eyes, and this makes him happy because it rarely does, these days. It's been four years since his father died and she will not re-marry. Upstairs, his two sisters chase each other and talk about dolls. Ezra kisses his mother's temple, says, "I'll see you after school, ima." He never goes home again.
His last thought on July 25, 2013 is about the stars. Ezra is on his back on top of a stolen car in the farmlands somewhere between Topeka, Kansas and Lincoln, Nebraska. It is warm, and the sky is black and dark and clear, a backdrop for an array of light. Above him stretches the same stars that hang over the sky in Beit She'an, in Damascus, in Tadmor. The same stars in Ankara, in Chicago, in New York City. The same universe cradles the same world in the hollow of its crooked finger, one snowflake in a hundred billion. One day, it will melt away, just like the rest. But for now, Ezra thinks it is very alive, and very beautiful.
His last fuck isn't sober.
His last time reading the Qur'an is a moment of desperation. It is in the darkness of an alleyway in Ravenblack, and he sits between two trashcans outside of Denny's. Light pours from the window, and inside Mariah wipes tables and Juan counts the night's haul from the cash register. There is a cup of cold coffee beside him that Mariah gave him and that he couldn't stomach. Ezra's fingers are trembling as he opens the cover of his worn Qur'an, pocket-sized with fading ink and too many memories pressed between its lines. It is early October and there is a chill in the air that clings to him despite his leather jacket, that seeps into his bones. Al-Fatihah stares back at him. With a tremulous voice, quiet in the hush of late night in Ravenblack, Ezra begins to read out loud: "Bismi Allahi arrahmani arraheem..." In the name of Allah, the Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful...
His last time praying is a moment that changes every day. He prays before the sun comes up and sleep takes him; he prays over a mug of coffee at Denny's; he prays between ragged heart-beats when he's fucking a shadow into the mattress; he prays when his fingers fit against another's and it feels like symmetry; he prays loudly, and also silently, and he prays even though he tells everyone that God isn't listening. Maybe God isn't listening. Maybe God was never listening. He prays just in case.
Re: Ezra Jameela de Draak
Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 3:02 pm
by Ezra
WON'T LET THE CREEPING IVY, WON'T LET THE NERVOUS BURY ME
It is forbidden to kill;
therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers
and to the sound of trumpets.
"Believers, make war on the infidels who dwell around you.
Deal firmly with them. Know that God is with the righteous."
Surat At-Tawbah, 9:123
Ezra is a vampire. This means several things for her, giving her a slew of weaknesses and strengths. She does not know her Maker, only that they were female and left her on the night of her turning.
STRENGTHS
— Vampiric strength/speed -- To be grown upon as she grows older, even as a fledgling, Ezra is absolutely stronger than even the strongest man alive, amplified by her own musculature at the time of turning. She can run up to 50 MPH for a moderate amount of time, and her body can absorb impacts of hundreds of feet without damage or significant damage.
— Longevity -- Ezra does not believe she is immortal and has yet to find proof to the contrary. However, she will remain, physically, at the age of 25 until an indeterminate amount of time. Due to being a hybrid, she can be harmed, though it takes significant damage. If she is harmed to the point of vital organ processes being unable to function, she will die, i.e.: her heart is ripped out, decapitation, lethal gun wounds, being irrevocably eviscerated.
— Healing -- Heals from damage at an enhanced rate compared to humans, but much slower than the average vampire, due to her lack of lessened blood consumption as well as natural bodily tendencies. It takes her up to two days for very simple wounds, and up to several days for large wounds. If a body part is removed or cut off, it will not grow back (i.e.: her left pinky).
WEAKNESSES
— Sunlight -- Ezra is a hybrid, so she can go out into the sun. However, she is much more alert at night. Sunlight will not burn her, but can make her drowsy if she's in it for a prolonged period.
— Weaponry -- Holy Water, blessed by a holy man (not just Christian), will burn her severely. Garlic spray or garlic will also harm her, but to a much lesser extent. A stake to the heart will not kill her, but will cause her extreme harm and she will take several weeks to a month to fully recover. Decapitation causes instant, permanent death.
— Feeding -- Ezra requires blood to survive. She requires, technically, at least 5-10 pints per day to be at her optimum strength, or 35-70 pints per week. She rarely feeds to this capacity, unless necessary. Her strength is decreased (slightly stronger than an incredibly fit human), her movements slower, and her hunger often dire. When confronted with a human's blood, she is likely to go into a frenzy and murder them or others. Because of this, she mostly avoids human feeding until the last moment and feeds mostly on other, stronger vampires that can stop her at any given moment. She is trying to feed more often, usually from other vampires, or blood bags.
_____________________________________
THE HUNT
Ezra is a lycan. Her maker is Anders, who also leads their small pack as alpha, with Ezra as omega. Ezra is relatively new to lycanthropy, and not entirely comfortable in it, so it is rare that she shifts unless it is a full moon and is necessary. When she shifts, she takes the form of a slightly larger than average wolf with a lean, wiry build. Her coat is a dark tan all over, with black fur along her paws, her tail, the length of her spine, and along her muzzle. Unlike her maker, Anders, she is not very large in comparison to many other lycanthropes, weighing in at about 120 pounds.
STRENGTHS
— Immunity -- Being a lycan has made Ezra mostly immune to certain things that harm vampires, such as sunlight. She is slightly weakened in direct sunlight and may become drowsy during the day, but receives no burns at all. The only way for light to burn her is through a UV Grenade, which is condensed and strong enough to cause her severe burns.
— Strength -- Becoming a lycan has increased her strength, amplifying what was already given to her by becoming a vampire. It is easy for her to build muscle mass if she exercises often, which he does as much as she can as of late.
— Longevity -- Along with being a vampire, becoming a lycan increases Ezra's longevity. By itself, she would still age slightly, though at a much slower pace. Due to being a hybrid, Ezra does not age at all, frozen in time (to her current knowledge) at 25. Despite not aging, her form can change -- she can lose or gain weight and muscle, can cut or grow out her hair, and can be scarred.
WEAKNESSES
— Silver -- Like all lycans, Ezra is burned by contact with anything made out of silver. Even a small touch can leave a burn that will take hours to heal, and is by far the easiest way to harm, or even kill, her.
— Turning -- Ezra does not have full control over her wolf. Due to this, during the full moon, she often feels more aggressive, hungry, angry, or possessive. Usually, she can control a shift, but it can take several minutes to occur, and still causes her considerable pain. Because of this, Ezra does not often shift, which only highlights her lack of control of her lycanthropy. When extremely agitated, she may feel more feral or animalistic.
— Bodily processes -- Ezra is, essentially, alive now that she is a hybrid. That means she is now required not only to consume blood to sate her vampiric hunger, but regular food, as well. Without it, just like a human, she can starve to death. Being "alive" also makes her no longer immune to things such as sickness (even the common cold), slightly easier to kill (via mortal wounds), and makes her hunger even more prominent.
PACK
— Anders -- Anders is both Ezra's maker, and her pack's alpha. When asserting his dominance as alpha, Ezra obeys Anders completely and with absolute respect in regards to pack dynamics. She is Anders' mate (much as she is Vex's vampiric partner-bound).
— Caillie -- Caillie is a beta, and Anders' childe. Ezra has only seen Caillie shift a few times, and interacted with her even less while both wolves. Her relationship with her, when shifted, is playful.
_____________________________________
NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE
The extent of Ezra's neurological damage isn't known to her, nor is the cause. It can be inferred that repeated concussions from explosive blasts, fights, and torture -- as well as drug use and emotional trauma -- have all accumulated and affected her nervous system. The most severe damage is found within her amygdala, the brain's center for emotion, learning, memory, and the fight or flight synapses.
Some of the effects of Ezra's neurological damage are:
— Memory -- She has incredibly bad memory that requires constant repetition. If meeting a person, she will nearly always (95% of the time) forget their name on several occasions. It is only repeated, constant exposure that will ingratiate their name into her mind. Along with this, she sometimes forgets her own past experiences. She has ownership of a journal, and she has been writing down her relevant experiences for future reference.
— Nervous system damage -- Especially noticeable in her hands, Ezra's nervous system is usually tense and jittery. Her hands shake constantly, worsened when she is high, in need of blood, or having a flashback. The only time they do not shake is when she is holding a gun (her killing instincts override the damage). Sometimes, she has phantom pains, headaches, or joint aches.
— Dysfunction -- Occasionally, she will lose contact with herself in a day-to-day setting, and forget where or who she is for several minutes at a time. When this happens, it looks like she is "zoning out;" she looks straight ahead, blinks rarely, and has a blank expression on her face. After coming out of this minor fugue state, she will regain consciousness of who and where she is, and what she was doing.
_____________________________________
POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER
PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.
PTSD was first brought to public attention in relation to war veterans, but it can result from a variety of traumatic incidents, such as mugging, rape, torture, being kidnapped or held captive, child abuse, car accidents, train wrecks, plane crashes, bombings, or natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes.
CAUSES:
— Damage to the amygdala -- The amygdala controls the brain's roles in emotion, learning, and memory. It is active in the acquisition of fear, or learning to fear traumatic events, as well as the early stages of fear extinction, or learning not to fear. Damage to the amygdala can jump-start the appearance of PTSD. Ezra damaged her amygdala after repeated concussion and impact from fighting, blunt weapons, and explosions. It is a decaying portion of her brain that only gets worse with time.
— Trauma -- Any traumatic experience (or repeated traumatic experiences) can potentially manifest into PTSD. Ezra's repeated exposure to PLF terror tactics, murder, explosions, and torture in Tadmor, along with abuse, rape, and violence within Ravenblack have all, in some way, contributed to her acquisition of PTSD.
SYMPTOMS:
— Flashbacks -- Ezra will commonly re-live certain past situations, over and over, especially in dreams. On more than one occasion, she has woken up from a dream and has still felt like she was in a past experience for several minutes later.
— Nightmares -- Ezra has nightmares often. She is a fitfull sleeper, and will occasionally wake up screaming, reaching for a weapon, or trying to fight anyone who happens to be near her.
— Avoidance -- Of explosive objects and guns, especially. Anything with a particular booming noise (like firecrackers, bombs, grenades, etc) is liable to trigger her PTSD. She also tends to avoid anyone in a military uniform and interactions that will cause her to want to harm others, such as feeding on humans.
— Depression, guilt -- Ezra feels intense guilt over most of her actions, during her human life as well as her vampiric one, and it manifests in severe depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts, irrational behavior, and drug usage.
— Hyperarousal -- Quick to startle or jump at any kind of loud noise or unwanted contact. Ezra also gets uncomfortable when people stand behind her, or touch her without her being aware of their presence. Her muscles are nearly always tense and on edge. Her fingers shake badly, a side effect of drug use, PTSD, feeding habits, and neurological damage.
_____________________________________
BIPOLAR 1 DISORDER
Bipolar 1 disorder is a form of mental illness. To be classified as having Bipolar 1, the afflicted person must have had at least one manic episode in their life, lasting from several days to several weeks. Usually, people with Bipolar 1 also suffer from severe depression, usually with a form of cycling between mania and depression. About 2.5% of U.S. adults suffer from Bipolar 1. Those with rapid-cycling Bipolar 1 may have cycles of mania and depression several times in a year.
CAUSES:
— Genetic -- While the causes of Bipolar disorder are not entirely known, it can be seen as familial, meaning if someone in the family has the disorder, their offspring have a 15%-25% chance of also developing Bipolar. Ezra's mother had Bipolar, and her affliction is much the same with hers, though hers was Type 2, and Ezra's is Type 1.
— Neurochemical -- Bipolar disorder is primarily a biological disorder. It occurs specifically in one part of the brain and is likely due to neurotransmitter dysfunction, such as nopinephrine and serotonin. It may lay dormant unless triggered by physiological and environment factors.
— Environmental -- A traumatic life event may trigger the onset of Bipolar disorder, or a series of traumatic events. Substance abuse may also trigger an episode, and it can prolong the effects of the episode and hinder recovery. Ezra's history, beginning with her father's death, her involvement with the PLF, stress and guilt, as well as now her hybrid physiology all have contributed to furthering her disorder and making treatment difficult.
SYMPTOMS:
— Mania -- During a manic episode, someone with Bipolar 1 disorder may describe themselves as feeling elated or high. They may have sudden speech and rapid thoughts, inflated self-image, issues spending money or gambling, intense substance abuse (especially cocaine, in Ezra's case), hypersexuality, increased energy, and a decreased need for sleep. When Ezra is manic, she exhibits all of these symptoms to the extreme, and it can last anywhere from a few days to several months. This is often considered Ezra's "normal" personality, as it is when she is the most talkative and friendly. Occasionally, she may become delusional, distrusting, and hyper-paranoid.
— Depression -- Depression in someone afflicted with Bipolar 1 is much like clinical depression. It can result in a lowered mood, loss of pleasure and interest in favorite activities, a decreased interest in sexual activity, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, suicidal thoughts and behavior, substance abuse, and self-harming. Ezra's depressive episodes usually last for several weeks and result in her pulling away from friends and family, lashing out in anger, increasing drug use (especially heroin), self-harming behavior such as fighting, hurting herself or others, refusal to eat, as well as a decreased sexual appetite. It is often accompanied with suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
_____________________________________
ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
werds
CAUSES:
— Genetic -- werds
— Neurochemical -- werds
— Environmental -- werds
SYMPTOMS:
— werds -- werds
_____________________________________
TREATMENTS
Ezra currently self-medicates with
cocaine (sporadic usage; 0-2x/week)
heroin (daily usage)
violence, towards herself and others
clonazepam (klonopin; 0.5mg tablets taken whenever necessary)
lamotrigine (lamictal; 75mg tablets taken 2x/day)
escitalopram (lexapro; 10mg tablets taken 1x/day)
therapy
avoidance of issues/ignoring
alcohol
sex
cigarettes (one pack/day)
tattoos
purposefully putting herself into dangerous situations
Re: Ezra Jameela de Draak
Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 3:03 pm
by Ezra
OUR VEINS ARE THIN, OUR RIVERS POISONED
Oh, no. It costs a lot more than your life.
To murder innocent people? It costs everything you are.
"So whoever does an atom's weight of good will see it,
And whoever does an atom's weight of evil will see it."
Surat Az-Zalzalah, 99:7-8
He's born with tiny hands balled into fists towards the ceiling, face red and furious, screaming; he's born angry at God. As a child, they nickname him habūb. He's a sandstorm blasting through.
_______________________________________
"Habūb, I love you." Huma is smiling at him, her hands in his hands, her dark eyes bright and shining and Ezra feels like he can fall right into them. She's on one knee, in front of him, and in his fist is a promise ring. He doesn't know how they got here, on this sandy ground in the middle of Syria's desert, with their entire camp around them, wolf-whistling. "When we free our people, when Palestine breaks free of its chains, I want you to be mine." Huma, his little bird, the girl with fire in her eyes and steel in her heart.
They don't make fun of him, even if the roles are reversed. They respect Huma, and Huma respects him, her hafiz, her habūb. They are engaged for whatever date Palestine is liberated. The date never comes. They stay engaged for three years, the perfect couple: dedicated, in love. It's easy. Easy never lasts, not for Ezra.
He's a sandstorm blasting through.
His past lives get buried under the rubble.
_______________________________________
You swallowed the sun on October 10th, 1988.
You came out sun-smothered and screaming, hands fisted, furious at God, like a sandstorm, the sun bright on your face, bright inside you and your father crying, and holding you, praying, "Ezra, Ezra Jameel Nazari, habūb," and there's been violence in you ever since. The Arabic word for sandstorm means blasting, and you never learn how to scrub that word out of your veins. So it sits there, in your heart, like the sun, all that intensity and violence cradled in the space between your ribs, threatening to burst as it nestles against your heart.
They taste your blood and they say You taste strong.
You taste like the desert sun.
They break your bones and when you smile, bloody, up at them, they think How can one person hold so much fury?
Your insides are blown to bits,
like the cities and lives destroyed by a desert storm.
Like the sun, you only know how to show your love with everything you are, and it's poison, sometimes, when it's too much, and it's cancer, sometimes, if it stretches too long. But you try, and you shine, and you burn, and you don't know any other way to be.
You swallowed the sun. You can only let it out in degrees, between your clenched teeth held in a crooked grin, slipping between your knuckles, white, and it's just a little, just a bit, but sometimes, when people look at you too closely in the darkness, they see that sun inside and they are blinded.
Re: Ezra Jameela de Draak
Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 3:04 pm
by Ezra
What can you say to a man who tells you he prefers obeying God rather than men,
and that as a result he's certain he'll go to heaven if he cuts your throat?
"And [punished are] those who spend of their wealth to be seen by the people
and believe not in Allah nor in the Last Day.
And he to whom Satan is a companion - then evil is he as a companion."
Surat An-Nisa', 4:38
THE GOOD
AIDA DE DRAAK
expectation - slow - hope
ANDERS DE DRAAK
love - intimacy - submission
the guardian angel
my love for you keeps angels up at night
they toss and turn, wondering just what it must feel like
CAILLIOPE DE DRAAK
pride - co-childe - expectation
GABRIEL DE DRAAK
worry - unsure - hopefulness
GYPSY DE DRAAK
fondness - expectation - hope
INU AILIOS
distance - comfort - jealousy
JOEY DE DRAAK
motherly - hope - expectation
MADDOX BELL
expectation - pride - worry
NEUK DE DRAAK
adoration - protectiveness - family
OBERON HARTLEY
love - distance - honesty
SEBASTIAN DE DRAAK
distance - attraction - love
TIFERETH D'DARY
sadness - respect - admiration
VEXIAN DE DRAAK
re-growth - love - admiration
well, i've been afraid of changing
cause i've built my life around you
THE BAD
ANDRE D'DARY
regret - hurt - distance
DRELLA D'DARY
betrayal - love - hurt
LIANDER
betrayal - love - abandonment
ORION O'COLLIN
anger - whip-lash - hatred
him -- just fucking kill him, i don't care if it hurts
yes i do, i want it to, fucking kill him but first make him cry like a woman
no particular woman; let him hold out, hope that someone or another might come
then fucking kill him, fucking kill him, kill him already, kill him
amen
PERSIMMON CHEDSEY
regret - distrust - abandonment
WILLA
anger - hurt - betrayal
THE UGLY
ARALLARA CITRON
fondness - protectiveness - disappointment
DALY O'COLLIN
respect - reconciliation - distrust
DAMACUS AGRIPPA
frustration - respect - contention
ELI HARTLEY
hesitancy - expectation - eggshells
KIIA D'DARY
sister - betrayal - distance
Re: Ezra Jameela de Draak
Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 3:11 pm
by Ezra
WE WANT THE SWEET MEAT. WE WANT THE YOUNG BLOOD.
Religion is the idol of the mob; it adores everything it does not understand.
"But if you do not - and you will never be able to -
then fear the Fire, whose fuel is men and stones, prepared for the disbelievers."
Surat Al-Baqarah, 2:2-24
The chances are slight I won't shoot up tonight
But the sensation that's waiting beneath is a kick in the teeth
→ "Asleep" -- The Smiths
Sing me to sleep, I'm tired and I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep, and then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning, cause I'll be gone
→ "Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe" -- Kendrick Lamar
I am a sinner who's probably gonna sin again
Lord forgive me, Lord forgive me things I don't understand
Sometimes I need to be alone
→ "Degausser" -- Brand New
Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
→ "Get To Fuck" -- Eternal Lord
I would have left you with heart shaped bruises
To show how much I really cared
God damn
→ "He Hit Me (And It Felt Like a Kiss)" -- Grizzly Bear
He hit me and it felt like a kiss
He hit me and I knew he loved me
If he didn't care for me, I could have never made him mad
But he hit me and I was glad
→ "I Don't Fuck With You" -- Big Sean
You little dumb ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you
I got a million trillion things I'd rather fuckin' do
Than to be fuckin' with you
Little stupid ass, I don't give a fuck
Bitch I don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do
→ "I Don't Want Love" -- The Antlers
We wake up with pounding heads, bruised down below
I should have built better walls, or slept in my clothes
So if I see you again, desperate and stoned,
Keep your prison locked up, and I will leave my gun at home
I don’t want love
→ "I'll Be Good" -- Jaymes Young
I'll be good, I'll be good, for all of the light that I shut out
For all of the innocent things that I've doubt, for all of the bruises that I've caused and the tears
For all of the things that I've done all these years, for all of the sparks that I've stomped out
For all of the perfect things that I doubt
I'll be a better man today
→ "In a Week" -- Hozier
I have never known sleep like the slumber that creeps to me
I have never known color like this morning reveals to me
→"Island of the Misfit Boy" -- Front Porch Step
Well I lost control when I was only a boy,
the world taught me angst when I deserved joy
Now I'm breaking down as I struggle to breathe,
'cause I believe in a god who won't believe in me
→ "Orca" -- Wintersleep
I'll be an animal, a carnivore
I'll be a monster clenching my jagged jaws over the capture
I'll be a killer whale when I grow up
→ "Problem" -- Natalia Kills
We’re hell raising and we don’t need saving
‘Cause theres no salvation for a bad boy
We’re rock bottom but there ain’t no stopping
‘Cause its you and me against the world
→ "Sedated" -- Hozier
You and I nursing on a poison that never stung
Our teeth and lungs are lined with the scum of it
Somewhere for this, death and guns
We are deaf, we are numb
Free and young and we can feel none of it
→ "The Poison" -- Pedro the Lion
If you were here, I would admit that I'm an asshole
But now it's over and I can't stay sober
Though it isn't like I've tried
→ "We Suck Young Blood (Your Time Is Up)" -- Radiohead
Won't let the creeping ivy
Won't let the nervous bury me
Our veins are thin, our rivers poisoned
We want the sweet meat
We want the young blood
→ "Where You Belong" -- The Weeknd
I feel the blood rushin' throughout ya body
You see the scars painted over my skin
I'm always numb to the topic of loving
I fell in love with the subject of sin
→ "White Knuckles" -- Defeater
With the blackout and the bloodstains
Your teeth clench, then the pain comes
→ "Wicked Games" -- The Weeknd
Bring your love baby I could bring my shame
Bring the drugs baby I could bring my pain
I got my heart right here
I got my scars right here
→ "You Know I'm No Good" -- Amy Winehouse
I cheated myself, like I knew I would
I told you I was trouble
Yeah, you know that I'm no good
BIBLIOGRAPHY
OLD JOURNAL
CURRENT JOURNAL
LOVE BURSTING LOUD
[DRAFTS]
HOW TO LOVE AND LET GO (A GUIDE)
THE FOUR STEPS TO LOVING A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE
CINDER & SMOKE
