The Seventh Rank

[Vex]

Addie, Max, Azeara, Vex, Pea, Lilou: I am sorry. My insecurity became paranoia and I was cruel to each of you in different ways out of fear and greed.

Your apology really lacks context. What exactly are you apologizing to me for?

[Azeara]

[Redacted because this is a Yawa stan account and honestly their feelings about all this is far more important than mine and I regret that I upset them more than I regret how upset anyone else will feel about this redaction.]

[Liander]

I want to be clear before I begin that I asked Vex in which manner he would like this continued and he asked for it to be public. This probably isn't what he had in mind, but c'est la vie.

Your apology really lacks context. What exactly are you apologizing to me for?

I'll start at the beginning and work my way to today.

As you are well aware and others are quick to point out, I am little more than a bundle of insecurity, ego, and impotent rage in a bad flannel. I am mediocre at some things and tragically bad at others. Since the day I entered this city, I have been deeply insecure and in need of validation from others. There's a point to this beyond self-pitying, I promise.

Enter Dumont. I had begun to learn and make... I don't want to say something of myself? Because I was nothing there. But it was the very beginning of the shape of what was to come. I was learning, I was being praised, I was given useless titles and vanity. Moon, my twice-over sire, was very good with the bait and switch. Praising me when I was useful, disdainful when I was not.

You were always in his eye. I hated you for that - for taking the attention away from me. I was small and petty towards you, insulting and demeaning you at every possibility despite your repeated attempts to bridge the gap between us. You were better than me at so many things, Vex. I couldn't stand it.

Time went on, Dumont fell. You and I had no reason to engage further.

Enter D'dary.

I finally made it into the big leagues, choom. All the validation I could ever want. I was named, I was respected (or the D'dary name was feared enough that nobody talked shit to me, which was the same to me at the time), and I was on top of the fucking world. Tifereth was my sire in all but actual bond - never sure why I didn't take that leap, but that's a conversation for another day. In many ways, she was also a mother to me. I needed her admiration as I had never needed anything before.

And there you were, Vex.

You were the prized jewel she was grooming, second only to Drella. Smarter, cleverer, faster, stronger. She was always so quick to praise you, to defend you from the others. And as we have established, I am an insecure beast at the best of times. So I had to hate you. I had to add fuel to the fire.

When she died, it should have brought us closer. Instead, I used it as an opportunity to drive the wedge further between us. I want to be clear here and now, I love Ezra to this day. I loved her more deeply than I can describe or most people can imagine. But that does not excuse how I handled that entire affair. I absolutely played it in such a way as to intentionally piss you off, rubbing it in your face whenever I could, and all the while talking shit behind your back to Andre and Drella.

Ezra and I were hungry for war. We can debate the retrospective whys until we're blue in the face, but honestly? I don't even really remember my motivating factors. I know what I said they were: trying to wake D'dary up, kickstart some activity in the city, then later power hunger and greed. But it's so far removed that I couldn't tell you which version is accurate.

I ran from that war.

I abandoned you and your family - who should have been mine - to something I started.

And then I came back.

Enter Seventh Rank.

I sent you, Ezra, and Anders a half-assed apology that doesn't even cover a quarter of any of this and considered the matter closed. Absolved, if you will. And then I started grabbing for power. My previous post covers the majority of my failings, but here's what they don't: I took your friends, people you cared about and that cared about you, and tried to turn them against you. I was actively belittling you, working against you, and plotting against you at every opportunity.

For a long time, I never understood what about you made me look at you and hate you.

At every single opportunity, no matter how vile I was or how badly I had fucked up, you were always willing to try again with me knowing full well I would abuse the chance. At every turn, you are gracious, friendly, and caring - especially to someone who did not deserve it.

I understand it now.

I was jealous of you. You are better than me. You are a better warrior, a better strategist, a better leader, a better sire, a better childe, and a better man. You instinctively know and do the things I have to fight to remember. For all the times I accused you of being a manipulative, scheming bastard, I don't believe that of you. I was projecting. It is no surprise to me how high you rose once you were severed of the dead weight of people who never deserved you.

I had a thought when I zeroed Moon. That was the moment all of this about you clicked for me. It's funny, you'd think staring at the shadow-bloated bag of meat of my ex-sire would've brought up memories of abuse or fights or even anything at all about him. It didn't. You were the first thing I thought of, and here it is -

You zeroed Liski. I zeroed Moon. What you did, you took no pleasure in and did because you had to. You did it for the people you love. You did it for this city. What I did, I did for revenge. I did it for me. I did it because it made me feel good. And that has always been the gap between us that I was unable to bridge.

I am sorry, Vex. I am sorry for every time I betrayed your trust and forgiveness. I am sorry for every insult, every demeaning comment, every snide remark. I am sorry I was more focused on bringing you down than trying to learn from you. I wish I had been born with half the integrity you were. I wish that what comes so naturally for you did not have to be something I have to remind myself of actively. A lot of people like to forgive me because they believe this city carved me into this, that I am a product of my environment. I am not. You and I walked similar paths many times and every single time, you proved nature over nurture.

I do not want forgiveness from you with these words. I do not seek absolution. I am giving them because they are the very least of what is owed. If there is more you want, you know how to reach me. In the coming days, I will prove whether or not I have learned this lesson.

[Oberon]

I'm going to be the outlier here. I am just thankful you are back, Liander. I can't speak for anyone else or their experience with you, obviously, but if my sire has drilled anything into my head at this point its very few people are beyond deserving a second, third, or forth chance if they give an honest good faith try at doing and being better. We can't change the past. We can only work towards the future.

I believe you can accomplish great things as long as you remember who you are and who is rooting for you.

It's very comfortable for you to dismiss the past for his sake, while other people have lived it and are still living with the weight of it. Quite comfortable indeed.

You should perhaps reflect on the past more often. It appears you have much to learn from your own recent history, dear Grandchilde.

[ladypeacek]

So to recap:

I’m long winded and lose my own point sometimes, because I suck at this. My sincerest of apologies.

The Point- This skirmish is not about Yawa, and I am genuinely sorry they are still hurting from what happened 5 years ago.

Insult me all you need to, I was simply relating to the fact, that I too have been gutted by the family and leader I loved deeply once upon a time in my naïve innocence, who allowed more than a decade of mistreatment to take place all to avoid admitting the mess was his, to the family we created together. So, I legit do not take issue with the disdain of Liander. He admits he has earned it. It just wasn't relevant to me, in relation to hitting Carrot. Still is not. Cooo-Coooo.

Lots of people in MADS hate Liander, and me, though I’m not clear if this is by extension of Liander now, or if the kindness I was shown in recent months was because they cared for my wife at the time, which wouldn’t surprise me, elitists are most commonly the fakest folks, and I have a lot of experience with that over the years in the city to make said claim. Please see above if the connection here isn’t clear to the readers.

Liander accepts and fully understands why they hate him and what he has done over the years.

That will not be enough, fair, action is all that matters.

The Wolfe family is doing something that is not out of character for them. Assumptions run rampant. A cascade of downright nasty insults, many of which have been difficult for me to actually find offensive, as they are so far off the mark, that it all feels like bait.

--------

So, are you just really really upset that no one you have crushed thus far, has fought back with much umph and my 106k ass is just too tempting not to want some real bloodshed, or is this the power play to make sure the city remains stagnant for fear of the disapproving gaze from Oberon?

I mean, I’m not questioning why you disagree with the choices we have made over here to hit Carrot, not at all. I’m not new to that, I’ve lived it for all 20 years of my existence here, and yet, it’s never really stopped me from doing what I do. Your approval has never been my end goal in life. But, the really lowbrow raunchy insults that make little to no sense is where I am really stuck at seeing your point. So I guess we all may need to work on clarity hidden behind whatever feelings are happening about our family hitting…Carrot, who is entirely unaffiliated to any of you.

I am actually going to do myself a favor and let it all ride now. Say what you must. Take what you must. Hate who you must. Crush who you must.I'll go back to living my life you all so vehemently disagree with. Toodles!

[Yawa]

[Redacted because this is a Yawa stan account and honestly their feelings about all this is far more important than mine and I regret that I upset them more than I regret how upset anyone else will feel about this redaction.]

Az, I'm sorry. I had big feelings at you and I shouldn't have. Clearly, I'm still not fully healed from my past. You didn't have to retract that.

You love Liander. You're allowed to love and to forgive Liander. I get it. I loved him.

I'm still hurting over what I did to my family because I loved Liander and would have followed him wherever. We tried to build something based on a belief that the city didn't understand. A belief that the city at the time didn't want. I feel like I'm watching a version of my story getting played out again. But that doesn't mean I should take my hurt out on you. I was a mouthy fuckhead who didn't know anything. I'm not that now. I forget that. I'm sorry, Az, and I love you.

But uh, hey, yeah, Pea? I'm taking it personally that someone who was at the formation of the city, someone who other vampires look to for their history, looks like she's approving the message of calling somebody else's vows "a joke" and vandalizing an institution because one blue lady talked shit and is getting hit.

I'm also taking it personally that you're saying "talking about ideas" is a waste of time and a lack of action. Because I haven't seen people this lit up about battlecloaks and neutrals in... ever. You're talking. That's an action.

By the way, Pea, the kindness and support I showed to you was because I think that even the stupidest projects in this city deserve support. Just because I think it's stupid and it's not for me doesn't mean it's worthless or a waste of time for everyone. Doesn't mean it's stupid, even if I think it is.

I don't hate you. I hate Liander. I just disagree with you and think your boy's full of hot air. I hope Az and everybody else is right about him, but I hate Liander. Doesn't mean I want him dead and powerless forever. I just don't fuck with him, and watching him wag the word "teacher" around fucks me up because of my personal history.

But I hear you, Pea. It's been a while since I've been where Carrot is, and I guess you're right. I'm part of the big bad MADS. Some people take my word as "gospel."

Anyway. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Like I've said from the start: carry on. Kick the Carrot. After you're done teaching them "talk shit, get hit," I hope you build up your lineage and come kick my shit in.

Teach me a lesson and let the wheel turn, I guess.

[Vex]

I want to be clear before I begin that I asked Vex in which manner he would like this continued and he asked for it to be public. This probably isn't what he had in mind, but c'est la vie.

Your apology really lacks context. What exactly are you apologizing to me for?

I'll start at the beginning and work my way to today.

As you are well aware and others are quick to point out, I am little more than a bundle of insecurity, ego, and impotent rage in a bad flannel. I am mediocre at some things and tragically bad at others. Since the day I entered this city, I have been deeply insecure and in need of validation from others. There's a point to this beyond self-pitying, I promise.

Enter Dumont. I had begun to learn and make... I don't want to say something of myself? Because I was nothing there. But it was the very beginning of the shape of what was to come. I was learning, I was being praised, I was given useless titles and vanity. Moon, my twice-over sire, was very good with the bait and switch. Praising me when I was useful, disdainful when I was not.

You were always in his eye. I hated you for that - for taking the attention away from me. I was small and petty towards you, insulting and demeaning you at every possibility despite your repeated attempts to bridge the gap between us. You were better than me at so many things, Vex. I couldn't stand it.

Time went on, Dumont fell. You and I had no reason to engage further.

Enter D'dary.

I finally made it into the big leagues, choom. All the validation I could ever want. I was named, I was respected (or the D'dary name was feared enough that nobody talked shit to me, which was the same to me at the time), and I was on top of the fucking world. Tifereth was my sire in all but actual bond - never sure why I didn't take that leap, but that's a conversation for another day. In many ways, she was also a mother to me. I needed her admiration as I had never needed anything before.

And there you were, Vex.

You were the prized jewel she was grooming, second only to Drella. Smarter, cleverer, faster, stronger. She was always so quick to praise you, to defend you from the others. And as we have established, I am an insecure beast at the best of times. So I had to hate you. I had to add fuel to the fire.

When she died, it should have brought us closer. Instead, I used it as an opportunity to drive the wedge further between us. I want to be clear here and now, I love Ezra to this day. I loved her more deeply than I can describe or most people can imagine. But that does not excuse how I handled that entire affair. I absolutely played it in such a way as to intentionally piss you off, rubbing it in your face whenever I could, and all the while talking shit behind your back to Andre and Drella.

Ezra and I were hungry for war. We can debate the retrospective whys until we're blue in the face, but honestly? I don't even really remember my motivating factors. I know what I said they were: trying to wake D'dary up, kickstart some activity in the city, then later power hunger and greed. But it's so far removed that I couldn't tell you which version is accurate.

I ran from that war.

I abandoned you and your family - who should have been mine - to something I started.

And then I came back.

Enter Seventh Rank.

I sent you, Ezra, and Anders a half-assed apology that doesn't even cover a quarter of any of this and considered the matter closed. Absolved, if you will. And then I started grabbing for power. My previous post covers the majority of my failings, but here's what they don't: I took your friends, people you cared about and that cared about you, and tried to turn them against you. I was actively belittling you, working against you, and plotting against you at every opportunity.

For a long time, I never understood what about you made me look at you and hate you.

At every single opportunity, no matter how vile I was or how badly I had fucked up, you were always willing to try again with me knowing full well I would abuse the chance. At every turn, you are gracious, friendly, and caring - especially to someone who did not deserve it.

I understand it now.

I was jealous of you. You are better than me. You are a better warrior, a better strategist, a better leader, a better sire, a better childe, and a better man. You instinctively know and do the things I have to fight to remember. For all the times I accused you of being a manipulative, scheming bastard, I don't believe that of you. I was projecting. It is no surprise to me how high you rose once you were severed of the dead weight of people who never deserved you.

I had a thought when I zeroed Moon. That was the moment all of this about you clicked for me. It's funny, you'd think staring at the shadow-bloated bag of meat of my ex-sire would've brought up memories of abuse or fights or even anything at all about him. It didn't. You were the first thing I thought of, and here it is -

You zeroed Liski. I zeroed Moon. What you did, you took no pleasure in and did because you had to. You did it for the people you love. You did it for this city. What I did, I did for revenge. I did it for me. I did it because it made me feel good. And that has always been the gap between us that I was unable to bridge.

I am sorry, Vex. I am sorry for every time I betrayed your trust and forgiveness. I am sorry for every insult, every demeaning comment, every snide remark. I am sorry I was more focused on bringing you down than trying to learn from you. I wish I had been born with half the integrity you were. I wish that what comes so naturally for you did not have to be something I have to remind myself of actively. A lot of people like to forgive me because they believe this city carved me into this, that I am a product of my environment. I am not. You and I walked similar paths many times and every single time, you proved nature over nurture.

I do not want forgiveness from you with these words. I do not seek absolution. I am giving them because they are the very least of what is owed. If there is more you want, you know how to reach me. In the coming days, I will prove whether or not I have learned this lesson.

You're right, this is not what I had in mind, but I appreciate the candor. Thank you.

[Anders]

I hated you for that - for taking the attention away from me

All the validation I could ever want.

I was respected (or [...] feared enough that nobody talked shit to me, which was the same to me at the time)

I needed her admiration as I had never needed anything before.

I am an insecure beast at the best of times.

[...]hungry for war.

And then I started grabbing for power.

I took your friends, people you cared about and that cared about you, and tried to turn them against you. I was actively belittling you, working against you, and plotting against you at every opportunity.

I want to be clear here and now, I love Ezra to this day. I loved her more deeply than I can describe or most people can imagine.

Do you know what it's like to have a tiger in your house?

I do.

I remember admiring its strength and sleek beauty. Its ferocity. I was a timid, anxious thing, terrified to take up even enough space to stand on my own, and there was this beast of muscle and claw and teeth. I remember the first time it laid its eyes on me, how my heart stopped in my chest. I saw it in need, hungry and alone. And, foolishly, I fed it. [There is a reason they say not to feed wild animals, but hindsight is 20/20.]

It wasn't long before that tiger came home to live with me. With us.

And in many ways, a tiger is a house cat, isn't it? Just bigger, I told myself. Sure, there were modifications, concessions that had to be made, but that was love in the form of accommodation to make it a comfortable, happy space for the both of us. There are things to learn to live with -- or without -- just like you would with anyone or anything you love.

But the thing about tigers is: they're hungry. Always hungry. More hungry than you have food to give.

Because their appetites isn't just for food, but for everything. Attention. Praise. Lust. They want what they want with no room for negotiation, because their hunger is always more dire. They will take what you will give willingly; they will take what you're uncertain to part with; they will still demand more. They will take bites out of you, if that's what is required, and after a while, you will tell yourself you allow this because it is what they need. You convinced yourself it is okay, because your love for the tiger and the tiger's needs and the tiger's wellbeing is greater even that your own self-preservation. Who needs a pinky finger? A middle toe? It was worth it, you tell yourself, because then the tiger is yours. The tiger will love you just as ferociously, as fiercely, and will sleep beside you at night.

And while the tiger loves you, makes you feel like the center of their world.. they are excellent at hiding the destruction they do to those around you. Those they do not have to play nice with. Those they are not trying to fool. I was one of those people, and my family often watched me suffer and bleed in silence to keep the peace with the tiger in our home. Sometimes I tried to fight, but I realized quickly there was little use. There are concessions one makes when living with tigers, and the safety of those important to you is one of them. This was a hard lesson for us to learn and live through. But the tiger loves. Deeply. Fiercely. There's reasons you keep the tiger around.

One of us, torn and bleeding, asks the other: "Why are you letting this tiger do this to me?"

The other, no flesh left to defend themself already, can only shrug and look away.

This cycle repeats.

...Until the tiger get hungry again.

And at a certain point, there is nothing left for you to give -- not love, not affection, not even pounds of flesh.

When they get hungry again, you watch them starve themselves, and you watch them chase after others. You watch them wind up at other houses, other doors, playing house cat once more so they can satiate themselves for a little while longer. The tiger tells you this is because they love you, because they can't ask for more from you, even though you're bleeding out in your kitchen holding your own butcher knife in the wrong hand to try to be enough on your own.

You will never be, because a tiger's hunger doesn't end, but what you have to give -- what you can carve off and still function and breathe afterwards -- has a limit.

Do you know what it's like to live with a lion?

I do.

Lions and tigers are cut from the same cloth. It makes sense, in a lot of ways, that they would be perfect for each other. Love each other. They could see in each other the reflection of that same, unyielding hunger, and they could fuel each other, hunt together. It's perfect, isn't it?

Lions are trickier, though. Tigers are solitary. They hunt alone, travel alone, seek out what they need alone. But lions? Lions are animals that thrive on community, which is to say thrive on power, which is to say thrive on the attention and deference of others almost as much as meat. To have a tiger in your home is to make concession; to have a lion in your home is to always put yourself, your needs, second. They eat first. Their ego comes first. They roar, you jump. Cause, effect.

You don't want them to eat you, after all, do you? Or force them to starve and look elsewhere? Fighting any beast in your home is dangerous, especially for others around who aren't used to what it can mean. People get hurt. Even beasts do bleed, and when they cry -- crocodile or otherwise -- it hurts you just as much, because you invited them into your home in the first place out of love. Watching them starve, watching them get hurt -- that isn't what you wanted for them. Selfless love demands you to step up, to be what they need, and they are happy to capitalize on it. It is one of the most dire forms of toxic enablement. Especially because tigers and lions do not eat each other, only hunt together.

Eventually, the only way out is to stop feeding them: flesh, attention, love. For yourself. For your house and the people who live there.

They will cry. They will roar and break and rip things apart.

Eventually, they will either succumb to themselves, or they will find another door that will let them in, separately or together.

We are devastated, Liander, that we did not see you -- and Ezra -- for what you were sooner. Do we regret letting you into our home? No. Never. It was an active act of love, a choice, to do so, and as wounding and scarring as it might have been, as insincere as it might have been at times, it is our choice to believe that at least some of that love was genuine. Real. And we genuinely did believe you. Not just the first time, either, but the second, and the third -- after rounds of apologies and chunks missing. Even past the point of reason for many.

Even now, still, I choose to believe your offer to sire me once upon a time was, perhaps, equal parts sincerity, a hunger for power and respect, and a hunger to see Vex suffer, to see me choose you over him. I don't pretend to know the breakdown, but even if it's small, I choose to believe there was good there, more than just the urge to satiate those appetites.

We want to believe your apology is genuine now, but we also understand it is also the words a lion would need to say to try to get the door to open again. We trust Vex to make his own decisions here, as we all have had many conversations about the tiger that lived in our house, but we also have learned the signs. It took us far too long to learn, but we did. We have.

After all, if these beasts were nothing but monsters, you would never let them inside in the first place, let alone voluntarily mutilate yourself to try to convince them to stay. So you get better at looking out for the differences. You get better at distinguishing cat from lion from monster. And it's not that we'd ever want you to be less, to be small, to be anything but a version of yourself that finds a way to fill that yawning void that does not demand or take from others. Because we remember how 'perfect' the love the two of you had was, and it looked a lot like you both trying -- and failing -- to eat each other, because there was nothing and no one left.

We both tried to help you do that, and when we both decided to stop feeding the two of you when we could no longer do so and survive, we watched you both killed yourselves.

To the Wolfe family: we don't claim to know you, and we will never judge you for opening your door. Just try not to let yourselves be quietly devoured and call it devotion like we did.

Co-written and Signed: Anders and Willa de Draak

[ladypeacek]

To the Wolfe family: we don't claim to know you, and we will never judge you for opening your door. Just try not to let yourselves be quietly devoured and call it devotion like we did.

I have always had a quiet adoration for who you are, Anders. Willa too. I just want to remind anyone who cares, that Wolfe has always been Liander's home - it was a home we created together, even later when he wanted nothing to do with it. I did not open my door to him, as that implies it was ever closed. I failed him back then, make no mistake. What happened between Liander and I, was not Liander's doing. It was mine. I own it. He was my lion from the day we met. I've always known him to be a Lion. We just receive that in different ways, but I am fully aware. <3

[Vex]

So, are you just really really upset that no one you have crushed thus far, has fought back with much umph and my 106k ass is just too tempting not to want some real bloodshed, or is this the power play to make sure the city remains stagnant for fear of the disapproving gaze from Oberon?

Disclaimer: I speak only for the D in MADS and for myself as a member of Schiaraffa. This may not be the place for this commentary - none of this is about me beyond having been brought up - but I feel this needs to be... clarified? I'm not sure.

Since MADS started up last summer, I have tried to bridge gaps in communication with every fibre of my being - it wasn't successful. No matter the outcome, I did try. "Crushing" anyone was never the objective, and anyone in the room at the time when I thought things had gone too far will attest to just how stubborn I can be when it comes to standing up against any of the shit that was foisted onto me.

MADS is not Oberon's gaze, it is not YAWA's voice, it is a group of groups of people with different values and beliefs and systems that don't always align. And that's more than just okay, that's the beauty of it. We're not always going to agree, but we can sit down around a table and hash out that disagreement so that everyone comes out with a better understanding of where we stand. Personally? I want Wolfe to succeed and do whatever it is you want to do. I also want the Peacekeepers to sort their shit and do whatever it is they want to do.

Because that's how this city flourishes. Oberon's disapproval isn't a deciding factor and what is and is not supported. Ultimately, my approval holds the same lack of weight. The city does not belong to us just because we're the biggest current faction, it belongs to us all.