COMPETITION: The Roast of Vex de Draak

[Vex]

In the spirit of good humour and public self-flagellation, I am offering a 100,000 coin prize to the best roast of yours truly. You are cordially invited to roast, flambe, or otherwise rake me over the proverbial coals. Dismantle my award-winning (2016) ego with flair and poetic violence. Go for the jugular - or lower, I'm not your mom. Present your insults with grace, venom, or theatrical nonsense. The best roast will be rewarded with coin and (temporary) immunity from my withering disdain.

You may dress your scorn in wit or fury, take a pot shot, get it off your chest. You may question my history, methods, weird hobbies, titles, or the inexplicably endless supply of black in my closet. It's all on the table. If you manage to make me laugh, most excellent. If you don't, at least make me cry (hehehe, if you know, you know).

✐ Guidelines for Participation:

• Subject: Vex de Draak, exclusively.
  Format: Monologue, poem, letter, decree, cursed limerick, I’m not particular. Just post it as a reply to this thread.
  Word Count Limit: 300 words. Concision is an art, baby.

✘Submissions:

• Deadline: May 17th, 2025
  Submit To: This thread right here

⬡ Judging & Prizes:

• Entries will be evaluated by me, because who knows me better than me?
  Judging criteria:
  • Wit & originality
  • How hard it makes me laugh and/or wince
  • Extra points for the inclusion of the words "pauperage" and/or "obtuse"

♛ Grand Prize:

• 100,000 coin to the most devastating entry
  
  Additional Distinctions TBD based on the number of entries:
  • Sharpest Line
  • Funniest Overall
  • Crowd Favourite

Good luck, have fun, be a complete gremlin.

Note: For those of you who were around in the mid-2010s, yes, Seyda did this before. Feel free to roast me for my lack of original ideas.

[Oberon]

Submission (of what my dear childe is intimately familiar with in all definitions of the word, which you, dear reader, would know if you were a man living in RavenBlack sometime in the early 2000s)—

Vex, my cherished mistake. What could I possibly say? You are the living proof that style can, in fact, be weaponized—against taste, against patience, and most of all, against common sense. What a wonderful idea you've taken from Seyda come up with!

My accomplished politician, my cunning tactician—with victories so vast they almost outnumber the amount of notches on his bedpost.

He speaks two languages, neither of which include the phrase “perhaps now is not the time.” If seeking attention were quantified in blood, Vex would be a war crime. It is suspected he is, in fact, the real reason the Geneva Convention was conceived, which as may be the one true claim to originality he's had in the last century, as per the example of this very challenge.

My darling boy, you make looking as obtuse as the Derp emoji an art.

My childe. Fanged, feathered, full of fire. An insult to social cues sculpted with love. He's survived and thrived where others have faded.

I’m proud. In the way one is proud of an arsonist who is barely adequate at baking and also a drunk skank skunk with a wine budget and no shame.”

[Everly]

This guy thinks he's important enough to get a roast. This whole thing reeks of pauperage - desperate and begging for relevancy. "Concision is an art," he says at the start of a post that somehow has more lists in it than there are colors on the spectrum he can see and dangling achievements that are almost 10 years old with the same obtuseness as the angle of Seyda's lawn chair he's trying so hard to mimic. If I wanted to watch a plastic shell of a has been get performative, I'd get my grandpa's cable television and rewatch the Roast of Pamela Anderson.

[Azeara]

Oh Vex, where to start with you?

The most lovable and yet most infuriating man to ever walk this city. How are your not banned from the halls yet? Don’t think we haven’t seen you lurking over there in your trench coat pspsps’ing any person that walks by to tell them about why they should sire to you. Hell, you had the HOB Guard listening to your speech the other day. I mean come on. Stryker? You need help, man. We love you. Please get help.

But enough about your Adopt-A-Stray program. For a man that only sees in black and white you sure are a colorful character. I mean, obviously not by your wardrobe’s standards, but your personality. One really never knows what to expect from you. You could either be stoned off your face uWuing at any of your 68 childre or various family, or you could be ignoring your own rules of 17 chances and going strait to the nuke button on somebody. Personally, I love both versions, but it does make one question things.

To me the answer is obvious. It depends on how good you got it the night before. The female leaders of the city have been mostly phased out by power bottoms. Of which, I have unfortunately been told, you are among the best. Happy for you (and Zach) but less is more when it comes to a sex life. As in the less you tell us the more we appreciate it.

But that would require you to lessen the main character syndrome a bit and we all know that aint happening any time soon. Its your world, Vex, we are just living in it. Which is why I am loving that for once in this thread you can’t @ everyone.

Love you!

[Coldy]

Vex. Or is it Vexian? I suppose the name changes and suits based upon how pretentious he feels. Correction. How pretentious he wants us to think he is. Does he love you or hate you? You'll never know; it's a little song and dance he loves to play. I hate you, be gone. I love you, we're besties, let's gossip. If anything is consist with Vex, it's his sense of self importance and style. Be honest. He's always slay. It's up to you to decide if it's an outfit or your face. Because he'll do both without even so much as a hello or a spit in your face. Likely, Vexian, will tell people you asked for it. He's honestly exhausting; yet, we all run back begging for more. Because what's an absolute fucking diva without their little hags just waiting on knife's edge to see what he'll do next? I don't know what's worse. The Vex/Vexian love/hate merry-go-round or the fact that we all love the damn ride.

And another thing. 300 words? Not only would Vex set up his own roast (DIVA) but he'd make our responses be a damned essay! "I want 300 words of thinly veiled insults but make me laugh!" As if we live to entertain one of the most stoic people in Ravenblack. Just another hurdle to jump to appease the Vexian while he sits upon his throne. Okay, I made that up. There isn't a throne. Vex doesn't need a throne.

Jokes aside, I love you Vex.

[Thirteen]

you look like you smell like denture glue and sell counterfeit t-mobile sim packs behind the tim hortons

[Joy]

Mise en place, alles gut
Black and white, no pussyfoot

Gray areas are reserved for family
But talk about feelings makes his face get clammy

Just kidding, he loves feelingggg... his way around a corpse
Must be why he still breathes life into a news corp

You'll know what's what, whether you want to or not
There's no half-assing allowed near this whole ass thot (congratulatory)

Speaking of ass, that's where things get hairy
Thought that's all he was when he was D'dary

It's hard to be mean now, cuz I think you're the best
But I'm done, so you can return to your omega nest

[CordaTacita]

Oh you wanna play alright let's fucking go.

You think you're hot shit pulling your bullshit stunts like you're the king of this fucking playground, nah bitch. You're splashing in the kiddy pool and I'm about to drag your ass into the deep end. Keep pushing my fucking buttons and I'll show you what happens when someone who doesn't give a shit decides to play for real, I'm not the one you wanna fuck with trust me on that, I'll take your ass and raise you a whole level of petty, savage and straight up zero fucks given energy.

You're out here playing checkers while I'm out here playing motherfucking chess and trust me I've already got your sorry ass in checkmate. I'm not playing for fun I'm playing to fucking win and when I'm done with you, you'll wish you never stepped up to the fucking board.

So go ahead keep playing your little games, I'll be right here waiting to remind you why you should never fuck with someone who's not afraid to burn the whole fucking house down. You wanna see how the real players move then buckle up mother fucker when I'm done with you, you'll be to scared to roll the dice again.

[Zeke]

Maaaaaan the divas just keep diva'ing.

Vex you beautiful "If it doesn't fit my story imma ignore it" lookin self. Wouldn't it be funny if...

[Willa]

Sire, you look like you’ve had the same haircut since you were seven. Also, sorry it took me so long to post but being married to a therapist makes me feel guilty for roasting an adult with special needs.