COMPETITION: The Roast of Vex de Draak

[Tessa]

Draped in mourning couture like you're a funeral on the runway
Preach ice-cold wisdom, always something to say,
But you're pauperage royalty—no crown, just decay.
Mascara drawn on thicker than Three Day's Grace
You rot from within, but you moisturize well,
If vanity paid rent, you’d own all of Hell.
Your wisdom’s like your fashion—stale and passé,
And honey, your ego so big gets in the way. (And I don't mean your dick.)
You make “self-care” sound like a full-time job,
But darling, you're more work than the world’s worst job.
You preen, you pose, you act so posh—
But you’re more “Instagram filter” than an e-girl thot.
You're all black lace and delusion profuse,
Serving drama and eyeliner—boy, you're obtuse.
Throwin' out "uwu" like it’s vampire chic,
But Vex, that cringe hit its peak last week.

[DaylightShadow]

Vex.

The necromancer so dramatic he hides in trunks during wars and calls it strategy.. You’d think someone who commands the dead would have a little more backbone—but no. Our resident Prince of the Undead prefers velvet-lined panic boxes and emotionally repressed monologues.. Very on-brand.

You chaotic little trench coat.

You speak in riddles, flirt like it’s your religion, and somehow manage to sound both wise and vaguely concussed. One minute you're dropping reflections on clan politics like a tortured scholar, the next you're serenading a duckling and giggling over a gifted NutriBullet. Your enemies don’t stand a chance—not because you’re terrifying, but because they’re too confused to aim straight.

You probably read forbidden tomes with a NutriBullet in one hand and emotional detachment in the other. You say things in passing that somehow sound both poetic and like a federal offense. And honestly? That duckling your cult gave you? Probably the only creature more emotionally available than you are.

But credit where it’s due: you’ve survived betrayal, political meltdowns, existential spiral memes, and being mistaken for a haunted ventriloquist puppet. You still show up with that tired smirk, a laundry list of enemies, and a soul duct-taped together with sarcasm and spite.

You’re the crypt-keeper of chaos, a fashion-forward escape artist, and the only necromancer I know who’d lose an arm wrestle just to win the last word.

So here’s your roast.. stitched from bizarre exchanges and cursed metaphors you’ve dropped like breadcrumbs through the abyss.

Now go fondle all this information late at night.. Enjoy.

[Seyda]

Oh Vexian, where do I even start?

What can you say about a guy who recycles amazing ideas and then runs around with a giant chip on his shoulder because he’s not being taken seriously enough as a leader--while simultaneously attaching his cart to…how many different horses is it now? I lost count in 2017, but I’m pretty sure that lawnchair I gave you 15 years ago has a better ass groove in it than my own at this point. You’re welcome!

But can you explain to me how a necromancer falls into a hobby where they stuff dead things instead of bringing them back to life? Or is it less about what you are and more about the fact that the only thing being stuffed in the bedroom is you? It amazes me that no one has realized that they could just win this whole roast solely by showing you a list of some of the dudes you’ve bottomed for in the past. Not to name names, but yikes. I’ve heard you’re a decent catcher though, so at least you’ve got that going for you.

I suppose I can’t expect much out of someone who thinks buying internet cafes and an abandoned Starbucks in the weird part of town is a quality real estate investment. And for the love of every god that exists in this universe, being colorblind does not mean you can’t hire a stylist. Some of us would appreciate some color, and we could just put little number labels on your shit so you can at least match if your real estate investments have tanked your portfolio so badly that you can’t hire someone to lay your clothes out for you. I would literally pay you just to fix your wardrobe, WarDaddy.

Let me help.

[Koli]

So, I had to do homework before I could post here, cuz I've barely interacted with you Vex. And I have pages and pages of material to use, but I think my best move is to not indulge your attempt to be the center of attention and just not share anything. Have a nice day.

[Vex]

Alright loves, time's up, I'll be posting winner(s) when I get around to it sometime this week. Likely before Friday.