Hello and welcome to a new limited time column here on the AB! Did This Age Well? will be an adventure through the annals of our city’s history to see whether words spoken in the past aged like fine wine or like spoiled milk. I’ll keep this column going if I still have things in my archive and if people are still submitting content to be broken down.
As of right now, I have my personal archive and a few historical sources at my disposal, and submissions from fellow writers/reporters and/or petty people are encouraged. All submissions can be sent via PM to me directly on this site. But first, some ground rules for submissions.
1 – Full submissions only. Please don’t edit/cherry pick content. Just give me the entire thing start to finish.
2 – When submitting, please include the name of the author, relative timeframe of the writing, where the information is from, and very brief description of context.
3 – If a writer is in the Graveyard (or should be), do not send me submissions. We don’t talk ill of the dead here. I do have some time gaps, so if something slips through unintentionally, I will be editing the original message to remove the submission and Vexian has blanket permission to do so on my behalf if I’m not around to do so myself.
4 – Please let me know when submitting whether you want to remain anonymous or not. I’ll honor either.
5 - I will not honor any requests for anyone's words to not be used. If you had the sack to say it in public, then you can also potentially get dragged right along with me.
And now on to the show!
My first submission for judgment is from my own private archive. It was written in November 2017 and the file is called “ho article.” I have literally zero recollection of when or why I wrote this, which means this is going to be absolutely hysterical and embarrassing to read, I’m sure. Did I actually post this? I have no idea and if I did, I have no clue where it would be located. Here goes nothing!
Sex in the City
Over the past few decades, the vampire has exploded into the popular culture of this planet. Examining this phenomenon, there are a few themes that emerge around our kind in general—dark, romantic, sexy, seductive…even when tracking down and feeding on our prey. It is surprising to me with a cultural perception dripping in sex in a city that has been largely female dominated in its leadership over the years (sorry guys, but it’s true) that the perceptions of men and women when it comes to sex stay entirely rooted in old human mores.
Let’s look at the current ho squad, shall we? We have Daciana, who has not hidden the fact that she has accepted money for sex. She feels this disparity exists because, “men particularly desire women that behave as sexual deviants only for them, rather than on a more open scale. In general society, not enough women feel comfortable or sexually liberated enough to have that aspect of their lives be as integrated as it seems to be for men. This is why I think many men turn to prostitutes. They pay for a tailored experience, where a woman acts just as innocent or dirty as they are told to behave.” Granted, she admitted that her insight might not be an effective as what she called a “recreational ho,” but this writer thinks she might be onto something. Please note, however, Dash no longer takes cash for sex, yet it’s still a topic of conversation.
Moving right along, we have the recently bound and openly polyamorous Pepper. This writer cannot count the number of times the Mayor’s phone has rang with people jilted because Pepper’s pagina offended them. When asked, Pepper’s response was rather similar to Daciana—“We live in a world where men have been told because they have a penis they are expected to not be in control of their desires and because we have vaginas and boobs we should cover up and not distract. Yet, they want us to be perfect little whores in the bedroom and act otherwise outside.” She continued by saying that “even comments made to me about how awesome Gang is for being with who he wants but then when I mention it’s an open relationship on both parts they seem shocked like I should be at home waiting in bed for him to finish fucking some chick, when in truth I probably get more than he does.” Pepper brings up a big point, and that is in a lot of relationships, it is expected that the male be able to spread his seed, if you will, but if the female wants to, it is shut down because she’s “his.” Males, take note—if you think this is fair play, your women are going to leave you. Possibly even for me and the Mayor.
Speaking of me, the keeper of the pagina that destroyed an alliance, I have had someone refer to me as a whore all the way up to three days ago for an affair I had over four years ago that lasted about a week and a half. I had my reputation shredded and trounced all over this city for everyone to see, and was repainted from a strong, competent, undefeated war leader to a stupid whore. Nine years of work versus one week of an affair and bam. Ho Squad. And let’s look at the person whose DNA I swapped with that week and a half? If you mention the name Reyna, somebody is going to say the word slut. The irony of that is that she has been cheated ON more than she has actually cheated. Boomtown agrees.
Next comes my favorite whore and yours, Jessie_Love. She’s gross, she’s rapey, she’s such a whore—yet almost every dick in this city, married or not, has been up in there at some point. When asked, Jessie’s focus was not on herself, as she will freely admit to being a whore, but on everyone else. “This city is full of hypocrites and liars,” she said. “Often people like to portray me as the whore, which I never denied. But they claim to be better. Different. They claim they’ve never indulged in debauchery. That’s a goddamn lie.” When asked if she was being portrayed as a whore because of the sex or because she has been known to push her sexual energy into people without their consent, she said, “you mean that thing I haven’t done for over three years? My past mistakes are something the city will never forget.”
If it’s not bad enough, the women of this city don’t even have to be a card carrying member of the Ho Squad without someone trying to paint them as one. According to ophelia, “I guess maybe that term is just bandied about in an effort to be insulting unless you’re gross rapey. That’s how EB got his throat cut. He got mad when I left him so he wandered around calling me a ‘slag’ until NiF finally punched him in the balls. People used to call Cerridwen a whore all the time just because she rose to the bait and it drove her insane. Lots of women get called whores because they WOULDN’T put out and TinyDickTim or TheDeadSeaOfVag is pissed off about it.”
Six women and numerous examples of negative city perception when it comes to sex. The men of this city, however, can be completely sexual and they are viewed as more virile for it. Several of the men in this city—Xedanis, Brom, Damacus, Malkavian, NightTerrors, AlexAyres—all of these men have either cheated on a spouse, make no attempts to hide their sexual exploits, or are heavily rumored to be if not are blatantly screwing their female childer. Not one name on this list has a negative connotation attached to them related to sex. There was a brief rumor about one of them being rapey, however, attempting to climb back on that dick sort of rendered that accusation moot. Notice how most of the Ho Squad either didn’t do anything wrong or transgressed years ago, yet they still pay for it while these guys (and others not mentioned I’m sure) can keep adding the poon to their resume and get nothing more than a knowing nod?
Let’s look at the largest example of this I could find. King Lestat—The Man, The Myth, The Legend…The Fraud. Known for his prowess on the battlefield, in the bedroom, and then as a reformed sexoholic cured by his longtime wife with an assist from Jesus (I think). This man’s reputation was no solid, even the name of the women he admitted cheating on his wife with had their own name, the Illustrious Eight. This man is still brought up in conversations about dueling. Newsflash, City. He used sorcery. He used sorcery so hard he couldn’t even TEACH someone else how to fight. And let’s talk about his bedroom reputation, shall we? I reached out to a few people in the Illustrious Eight, a few other people known to have tapped that ass, and even to Lyric, his long term ex-wife. Of those I reached out to, the most positive comment I was able to garner was, “Well, he wasn’t my worst, but nowhere near my best.” In fact, most of the comments related to Les being a selfish lover, essentially using sweet words to lure the women to his bed, but then climbing on and slap slap for about as long as it took to finish one of his duels. Not one of the women I spoke to said it was good at all (and if you have nailed him and think it was great, oh honey, call us because you clearly haven’t had your boat handled). And the reformation that he was so known for—banging half the city wasn’t his fault, yo. Jesus led him to it. For more information on that gem, check out the double feature in this issue where I sit down with Lyric to discuss the psychological impact of being cheated on.
In a city where even the most stellar bedroom reputation has an inadequate skillset, why do the women continue to fly around these men like they are the greatest thing since sliced bread? This can be explained in a very basic economic principle called supply and demand. Very long explanation short, this principle is based on the fact that the less supply of something there is, the higher the price to attain it. A quick examination of the city shows that the populace is littered with lesbians/bisexual women and gay men. Straight men are a dime a dozen so it is natural that if someone wants to have one of them, they have to pay a higher cost. The currency in this equation seems to be reputation and contingencies based on double standards. So, what is the city to do in this equation? There are two solutions—you either saturate the market to bring prices down, which I’m seriously doubting there will be a straight boy boom here in a city that hasn’t had many of them for close to a decade, or you change the demand. So ladies, have some self-pride and stop settling for this bullshit. You’re not doing yourself or the city at large any favors and this won’t stop if you don’t.
To the ladies who subscribe to this antiquated thinking, I’ll allow SNP to do my speaking for me: “You can call me a tramp if you want to, but I remember the punk who just humped and dumped you. Or you can front if you have to, but everybody gets horny just like you. So, yo, so, yo, HO - check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked-Pep's ass gets respect, and this butt is none of your business.”
And boys…boys, you need to get it together or someone’s gonna run a J. Cole on your ass. ”So I find out the name, know exactly where he stayin'. Find out when he leave for work, hold up, is you sane? I'm a follow in my car; I'm a cut in front of his. Run him right into the wall, maybe even off the bridge. I give her a little time, then console her while she crying. She gon' take that as a sign; finally she will be mine.”
And my 2024 thoughts:
1 – Daciana was fun.
2 – Strong Alpha Lesbian vibes were rocking 2017
3 – I can’t believe I interviewed Jessie_Love for literally anything ever.
4 – I guess if there’s one thing I’ll do when I’m talking shit, it’s to put an @ on it.
5 – Man, Les caught a full-on broadside. If someone can find that Lyric article or can remind me of why I came in so HOT, please send it to me!
6 – Not me quoting Salt N Pepa and J Cole. However, if I overuse Nicki Minaj lyrics throughout the course of this column, MIND YOUR BUSINESS.
Now it’s time for you to decide. One a scale of spoiled milk (1) to fine wine (10) how well did this story age? Hit me in the comments and let me know and don't forget to drag me to filth if I deserve it!
