Ab Antiquo

‘To feel like I belong’…this is the dream of many of us, to feel like we are a part of something and to feel wanted. It’s what has us seeking out families, or has us joining clans. It’s that voice inside that tells us to keep moving forward and ‘go the distance’ – it’s that part of us that has us dusting ourselves off after every severance and giving it just one more go. We all deserve to feel like we belong.




I have spent my time in this city looking for my place, looking for a home I felt was my own. It has been an uphill battle that has left me weary. I was tired of struggling through the thorns and brambles – but if I hadn’t struggled through them, then I would have never found my home. I needed to fight. I needed to feel that bone-deep exhaustion. If I hadn’t felt so defeated, then I would never have found my place in this city. And I assure you, I have found my place – where I belong, and now I look back at how far I have come, and I am left feeling in awe at myself. I made it, and so can you.

Now, I am sure there are those that are wondering why you should even bother. There is so much work that needs to be done, so much sacrifice. What is the point in all of it? I can’t answer that, at least, I cannot answer it for you – all I can do is tell you what made it worth it for me. I am at the end of my journey, I fought hard and I can now rest and reflect. These are the things that I learned:

• Blind love can be harmful, you must temper it with a critical mind. Do not simply follow orders unless the one giving them can explain exactly why they are giving them and what benefit they have for you as a person.
• Contentment can be your enemy. While at the time it can feel like you are safe and secure, it is never a good idea to remain motionless – being content in your place in the world can stop you from achieving something amazing. Do not let yourself be ‘content’ always strive to feel ‘amazing’.
• Devotion has its place, don’t let it be your everything. I am devoted to someone I can never be with, she is my universe – I would do anything for that woman…but I cannot be her childe. I must come first, and if I see her on the opposite side of the battle field I will not hesitate to throw that vial. For me, I am first and foremost devoted to myself.
• Family does not equal home. It can feel that way at first. Nothing can bring you down from the high of finding that family you fit into almost as if they were a glove. But that feeling fades and you are left wondering if you belong. Home is something only you can make. For me ‘home’ is that feeling I get every time that I open my laptop and see this paper. My family is my family, they are the people I love and that I am loyal to – but my home is this place. I worked my arse off for this paper to be what it is.

My journey has taught me a lot and has made me a better person. Every day I wake up and I am a stronger version of me. Without my battles; without those struggles that had me down and on the ground – I would not be the person you see today. I am who I am because I was tempered by the fires of this city. I came out of my journey a more resilient person and I can now give back to the people who came before me. This is what made all the pain worth it for me.





Some of you are at the start of your journey. You are ready to make your way in this world, you have your destination in mind, but you don’t have a map. You see the thorns and the pitfalls and it has you scared. This city is not welcoming to the new, most are set in their ways and, at times, that can make it hard for those just starting on their path. I want to take this moment to tell you something: we want you. You are where you belong with us – and yes, we can come across as harsh and cold – but we are here for you. Keep pushing forward; you will make it to the home you deserve. Listen to the people who have been here before you, but take everything they say with a pinch of salt – what worked for them may not be what works for you. This city is a wonderful place full of wonderful people, and while some of them seem unapproachable (looking at you, Andre) few of them really are. Show them what you are made of; be someone -you- can be proud of.

As I said before, family is not home – but it can be the start in finding your place. With the right family next to you, you can do some truly wonderful things. Finding a family isn’t really that hard, I’ve had four, what is hard is finding the right family. Here are some of the things that have helped me in the past, and I truly hope that they help you:

• Talk to your prospective sire for longer than ten minutes. Now, I know that this sounds condescending and I’m sure there are some that are muttering ‘I’ve known my future sire for years’ but there is a difference between knowing someone as a friend and knowing them as a sire. You need to talk to them about what they expect of their childe. Ask them about the type of sire they believe they are – learn about them, not as a person but as a teacher.
• Talk to your prospective sires other childe. If you want to truly learn what someone is like as a sire, the best place for that information is from the mouth of those that are in their care – or from those that have left their care. You need to make an informed decision based on fact and not feeling.
• Talk to your prospective family head. This is one I had to learn the hard way. It doesn’t matter if your sire is perfect or if your siblings are wonderful, if you do not believe in the philosophy of the family…you will always be the odd one out, and in the end, you could end up making the choice between the people you love or your ideals. To truly feel at home, you must be somewhere that encourages you to push for your beliefs, somewhere that allows you to explore who you are.

Now, some of you have already started your journey. You are stumbling and falling, struggling to see what the hell you are even fighting for. The city keeps knocking you on your arse, and it feels like no one cares. You are close to giving in and just saying ‘fuck it’. I can see you. I was you. That pain you are feeling right now as you are severed once more for something beyond your control, or that agony you feel as another vial is thrown in your face – at some point we all felt it. There is not a single person in this city who has not felt this. It’s heartbreaking to watch you struggling so much, and I am watching – I want to reach out to all of you and just claim you as mine. You have no idea how often I have seen someone stumbling and felt the urge to just grab them and fight their battles for them…but if I did that, then they would learn nothing. You need to do this for yourself. You need to keep standing up when they push you down, keep being loud, and, most of all, keep being yourself. You will find where you belong. You. Will. Be. Wanted. Stay strong.




The ‘elders’ of the city have been right where you are, they worked their arses off to be someone that can be looked upon as someone of importance. There is not a single leader in this city who has not earned their title. If you keep fighting, keep earning your stripes – you could be the next great leader that the city hails as someone worth learning from.




Finally – to those of you that have found your place in the city.: It is your duty to watch those that are struggling. You must make sure that you are watching them and that you are cheering them on. They are working so hard to be everything they want to be, so please, be their cheerleaders. When they fall, remind them that it doesn’t matter that they fell,; what matters is that they stood back up. From my experience it is important to have someone is willing to point out just how far you have come. Please, let them know that they are not struggling for nothing.





You can all do it. I know you can, just fight a little longer and I assure you that eventually you will find your hero’s welcome.