Something's Gotta Give

[Xedanis]

If I woke up to this level of bravery and progress every morning, I would be waking with a smile every day.

Wonderful job Vex. Its all lookin' up from here, with any luck. Its obvious that this is very heavily supported and I applaud you for doing it.

Clear horizons.

[Anders]

This island of a city isn’t getting any bigger anytime soon. A lot of us have done wrong to others within this place, and yet pride has always gotten in the way of actually hashing things out. It’s easy to sit in our own camps and let old wounds fester.

[...] Sometimes, all it takes is reaching out to those you feel have wronged you, or you’ve wronged. An open, honest dialogue is the first step to healing some of those old wounds, and it’s the most difficult step to take.

There’s never a guarantee someone will accept your apology. I’ve written my share of heartfelt apologies that have gone completely ignored. But that’s fine - I manned up and did what I felt I needed to - not because I wanted to be able to sleep better at night, but because I knew I’d fucked up, and the person deserved an apology. Once sent, it’s no longer in my hands. You don’t get to decide whether or not an apology is accepted; you do what you can to make amends, and if the other party is amenable, you both set things right. Ideally, you both grow, move on, and make this infernal city a bit better of a place.

I whole-heartedly agree and support this entire message, especially because I know it is one that I, myself, do not live up to as much as I would like. However, I'd feel like I was doing a disservice to my profession if I didn't point out something.

On the flip-side of this coin: people who are on the receiving end of this hurt often all cling to the same fantasy. "All I have to do is forgive and I will be healed. I will have wonderful mental health, everybody is going to love everybody, we'll hug a lot, and we'll all finally be happy." And while forgiveness often gives them that rush of self-validation up front, if it's insincere or forced, it tapers off and warps into a vehicle for even more self-hatred and self-resentment. All of those pent-up emotions? The rage, the hurt, the loss, the grief? All of that has to go somewhere.

Many people rush straight to "forgiveness" to try to skip around the painful process of therapy -- that is to say in this instance, as Vex said above, taking the time to talk it out honestly with either the other party or a trusted third party -- because they believed "forgiveness" could operate like a shortcut to feeling better. It doesn't. Those feelings have two options in terms of outlet: internally or externally. If you "forgive" the external route, you limit your option to purely beating on yourself if you are still angry, for still feeling hurt, and beating yourself up is never a fair fight. It is this cycle that can lead a person down a road to sinking even deeper into their anguish, their problems, or their depression.

The way forgiveness actually helps, in this sense, is if it is used to change interaction. If it is practiced, as well as vocalized. If the path to it includes grappling with how you genuinely feel about the situation, either on your own or with a trusted person, until you come to more stable and level ground, but also if it involves sitting down with that party and establishing a new pattern of behavior moving forward -- even if that pattern is respectfully ignoring one another or keeping distance.

That all said, please, work towards forgiveness. God knows there aren't enough of us around anymore to stay bitter and hold grudges forever. For everyone reaching that hand out, remember that forgiveness is a process. Remember that throwing the ball into their court doesn't mean it'll be passed back to you right away. Remember that anger is a fuel for self-healing as powerful as any other, and it takes longer to burn out.

ETA: That all said, I should take a page from my sire's book.

You and I were family for over a decade of my living in this city. We were both, in many ways, flawed and broken. We both were human, and thusly, we both often took problems out on each other, because anger is easier to reach for and wield than love. But we did love each other. You saved me from a great many things in my life, and I never properly thanked you for any of them because I was an immature brat.

Drayden, I'm sorry.

I've owed you that apology for years, but it hasn't been one I would have genuinely meant until now. I still will never be sorry for what exactly I did, for what I wanted, but I will be and am sorry for the methods I chose to enact them. For doing them without you, for undermining the efforts I was too young and self-absorbed to see. You didn't deserve that. In many ways, I am sorry our paths diverged; in many ways, I'm not, because we both have grown for the better because of it. You have surrounded yourself with people who, as far as I can tell in my new vantage point, are good to you. For all of the pain you have caused me, it makes me happy to see. And if I can swallow that pain and that pride to finally see the error in my ways that led to things unraveling in they way they did, I hope others might.

I don't expect forgiveness, much like Vex said, and I certainly don't expect anything in return. But I am here, if you need that dialogue to truly bury it all, like I have, because I am so tired of letting hate cloud the good of it all. If you don't take me up on that, I understand.

-Anders Mikael Xixius de Draak.

[Dea]

Well done, Vex.

I’ve written and delivered several apologies since my return. Some accepted openly, some cautiously, some not at all. I did them for me, however, and because it needed doing. I’m doing my own personal best not to isolate myself away from people because someone told me they did a thing once. The only way we will save this city is if we start looking inward at our own behavior, make modifications to that, and eventually, i hope, it will catch fire for others to do the same.

[ladypeacek]

I did them for me

And this, this is where an apology turns to dust for me. If you are doing it to absolve yourself of guilt, you aren't apologizing with the sincerity of moving forward or working things out, you are doing it to make yourself feel better. That's not an apology. It isn't real. Sorry should be no more than an acknowledgement of your part in a conflict...the real apology is in the action that follows- action that shows you want to repair the damage done by changing the behavior, stopping the cycle somewhere, fixing whatever it is you broke. Sorry means nothing until change accompanies it. Apologizing for yourself is akin to doing charity work to make yourself feel good, not for the people you are helping.

@Dea- I have no idea if you changed or haven't changed- so this is not a direct attack on you or what you said. I've just heard that said often.

[Dea]

I only say that meaning that I can only control my own part in it, I can’t be responsible for what the other party believes. -I- know that I’m sincere, I can’t force anyone else to see that until/if the other person is ready.

[Airey]

I did them for me

And this, this is where an apology turns to dust for me. If you are doing it to absolve yourself of guilt, you aren't apologizing with the sincerity of moving forward or working things out, you are doing it to make yourself feel better. That's not an apology. It isn't real. Sorry should be no more than an acknowledgement of your part in a conflict...the real apology is in the action that follows- action that shows you want to repair the damage done by changing the behavior, stopping the cycle somewhere, fixing whatever it is you broke. Sorry means nothing until change accompanies it. Apologizing for yourself is akin to doing charity work to make yourself feel good, not for the people you are helping.

@Dea- I have no idea if you changed or haven't changed- so this is not a direct attack on you or what you said. I've just heard that said often.

When... WHEN in the HISTORY of apologies does ANYONE do it for the other party.
When you apologize you SHOULD apologize for yourself.
So you can grow. So you can show other people that you've grown.
It's important to apologize for yourself because it shows REMORSE.
As long as it's genuine and sincere, it doesn't matter the reasons for apologizing.

You have no guarantee that by apologizing the other party will accept it.

AND AGAIN! JUST like forgiveness; you don't forgive someone for them, you forgive them for yourself.
So that you can have peace and peace of mind within yourself.

As someone who does not apologize.
Take it from me. It's better for someone to apologize for their own peace of mind.
Than for someone to apologize disingenuously for the other party for the sake of saving face.

[Damacus]

I'm glad we had that conversation. You've done well here.

[Josephine]

I did them for me

And this, this is where an apology turns to dust for me. If you are doing it to absolve yourself of guilt, you aren't apologizing with the sincerity of moving forward or working things out, you are doing it to make yourself feel better. That's not an apology. It isn't real. Sorry should be no more than an acknowledgement of your part in a conflict...the real apology is in the action that follows- action that shows you want to repair the damage done by changing the behavior, stopping the cycle somewhere, fixing whatever it is you broke. Sorry means nothing until change accompanies it. Apologizing for yourself is akin to doing charity work to make yourself feel good, not for the people you are helping.

@Dea- I have no idea if you changed or haven't changed- so this is not a direct attack on you or what you said. I've just heard that said often.

When... WHEN in the HISTORY of apologies does ANYONE do it for the other party.
When you apologize you SHOULD apologize for yourself.
So you can grow. So you can show other people that you've grown.
It's important to apologize for yourself because it shows REMORSE.
As long as it's genuine and sincere, it doesn't matter the reasons for apologizing.

You have no guarantee that by apologizing the other party will accept it.

AND AGAIN! JUST like forgiveness; you don't forgive someone for them, you forgive them for yourself.
So that you can have peace and peace of mind within yourself.

As someone who does not apologize.
Take it from me. It's better for someone to apologize for their own peace of mind.
Than for someone to apologize disingenuously for the other party for the sake of saving face.

Upvoting this....

Apologizing for your own well being is you deciding to grow and acknowledge your faults.

The other party doesn't have to accept it and might not even have weighted your transgression that gravely. Everyone views actions differently and weighs them differently. Sincerity comes from the person; which means that apology needs to mean something to them.

Good job on you Dea for working on your own growth and momentum forward. It doesn't matter who sees your apologies as dust as long as thry are sincere and follow up on by action. Not just words.

[Amaya_Shannis]

Vex,

I can understand how much balls this took. I've issued apologies. Largely, they have been ignored and the offended parties continue to spit in my face, proverbially speaking.

I can't support this movement enough, Vex.

[ladypeacek]

We will have to disagree then. The other person doesn't have to accept your apology for the change and action to follow. The growth is the change. Growth is the things you do different after you say sorry. Words are easy. It doesn't take a strong or mature person to say words.


Eta- I also made it clear that was not an attack on Dea because I don't know anything about her or what she's done to change whatever it is.. so you don't need to defend her.