Taking Criticism in Stride

[Vex]

There are certain truths in my world: to put it simply, I'm going to divide them into things I am (these stay relatively constant) and things I (frequently) can be. And just so we're all on the same page, here are some examples, in no particular order.

I am...

• Terrible at choosing titles
• Arrogant
• Emotionally stunted
• Intelligent
• Insecure
• Perceptive

Because of these things, I can be...

• An asshole
• Aloof
• Self-righteous
• Off-putting
• Uncommunicative
• Harsh

This list is not exhaustive. I am fully aware that not all of my traits are positive, and I work at limiting the impact of the things I am so as to minimize the instances of the can bes. There is a conscious effort involved in taking stock of my flaws and formulating responses to situations, but that effort doesn't make me any less 'real' as a person. It's me keeping those flaws in mind instead of using them as cop outs to be an utter twat. I don't always succeed - nobody does. I'd like to think I've gotten better over the years, but traditionally, I've been something of an unapologetic bag of fuckery.

I take my fair share of opinionated bashing - warranted or otherwise. Most seem to think I don't care, but that could not be farther from the truth. I pay attention to what's said about me. Some of it is likely said out of pure malice, but the majority of that criticism probably isn't. Those couple of malicious twats should not color your perspective on the rest, though, because it's easy to dismiss some incredibly valuable insight by couching it in a lame cop out and/or generalization.

The fact of the matter is, there's a whole lot to learn from people you think hate you. Unfortunately, the moment you cry foul - be it the race card, the 'they just don't like me' excuse, the 'they hate my family, so of course they're going to disagree' bullshit -you're closing yourself off to a whole lot of potentially valuable feedback. When you can make an excuse for why someone is saying something that you don't really like or want to hear, it's easy to brush it off.

Sometimes, people you think don't like you can have some truly insightful comments. You may not like the way they word them, you may think they're mean or rude, you may think they're flat wrong. But why do they perceive you the way they do? That's the important bit. If you're too busy finding ways to wriggle out of the criticism, you're not reflecting on what it is you're doing to be perceived in such a light. There's a nugget of truth in every turd slung at you, and you could do better by sifting through the crap - awful as it is - and fishing it out. The ones who don't spare your emotions and coddle you are the ones you need to be listening to the most.

Use that feedback like fuel - treasure it like gold.

[Jenny]

Well written, Vexian. Introspective and thoughtful. Thank you.

[Dae]

Thank you for writing such a thoughtful piece.

[Willa]

Wonderful. Thank you.

[Lorrana]

I enjoyed reading this. Thanks, Vex.

[Anna-Molly]

Very well put, Vex. I enjoyed reading this. Sometimes we have to ignore how something is being said and listen to what is being said

[Chris Vahn]

A wonderful perspective to take on such a thing.

There will always be those that disagree; always be those there to cast scorn. But the value of controlling the reaction, breaking down the criticism - whether or not the message is always in a pleasant wrapper - and learning from it? That is priceless.

Brilliantly written, Vex.

[Ezra]

Lovely and self-aware as always, basherter. Your ability to see the good in all criticism and use it to better yourself is something I always struggle with, and always aspire to.

[ladypeacek]

While I think taking criticism in stride is altogether a valuable piece of advice to anyone- I think I disagree when you say that every piece of shit people say to you has truth in it. People are wrong all the time.

It's very possible that the way people perceive you is just wrong. I know it's a hard concept, but people often see what they want to see and what their friends and family want them to see, in a lot of cases. There are MANY times that judgments are made in this city without any factual information, based on stories told 100 times over, like a game of telephone, where each person changes just a small part and suddenly you have something completely different. It isn't fair or even remotely accurate to say- every piece of nastiness has truth in it. Perceptions here are wrong pretty often, I think, especially since people here are so good at being fake.

I don't think you need to coddle someone or step lightly, but, generally- people who hate you, and people that want to make you feel horrible about yourself- that's not criticism one should waste their time reflecting on. Someone who is trying to help- and have harsh criticism to share- know how to do it without tearing you down as a person. Gas-lighting is a real thing.

Though, I think I do agree that sometimes digging through the shit is helpful- but often reveals more about the slinger than yourself.

[Seyda]

The fact of the matter is, there's a whole lot to learn from people you think hate you. Unfortunately, the moment you cry foul - be it the race card, the 'they just don't like me' excuse, the 'they hate my family, so of course they're going to disagree' bullshit -you're closing yourself off to a whole lot of potentially valuable feedback. When you can make an excuse for why someone is saying something that you don't really like or want to hear, it's easy to brush it off.

I expect detailed notes on your lunch with Damacus and the valuable feedback you receive.